You know, I have several people I talk with and many I'd call friends. But during my darkest hours, there has only been one person I can turn to. And now I can not turn to them.

I am truly alone. And it feels like death.

My life stretches out before me and I know that I will have a tiny funeral. I will have a handful of people who will know that I was here and that now I'm gone. I will be forgotten with a little time and there will be no one to think back and say anything about me.

For today I will need to set aside this pain and keep trudging along. And yet, this is precisely what I did the last time I felt this way. And I nearly lost my mind. But there are no other options. There isn't a person I can go to and talk it out. There is no money for a counselor. There is only me and my pain and grief and a need to keep them bottled because the earth will not stop turning and I have bills to pay.

I truly wish I could just be done with this life now and not have to deal with all this. No, I'm not selfish enough to take my own life. I wouldn't burden others with that shame. Instead, I will keep on going. And pray for numbness.