Well, here goes... I've been exercising and getting myself ready for a run. Not a long one, but it needs to be somewhat fast. I need to run 3 miles in 32 minutes. There is a little more to this training than just the running though. I will be passing the USMC PFT (USMC physical fitness test) for my age and gender. (In case anyone is interested in my successes and set-backs, there is a link on the right.) I will be taking until Summer Solstice to get ready for this and I think that's enough time.

This morning I bought my first pair of running shoes. This worries and exhilarates me. Worries, because I don't have a lot of money to spend so I had to go to Payless and I really hope I'm not going to cause injuries with cheaper shoes. Exhilarates because it's another step in the direction I'm heading. Already there are curves developing that I'd long since given up on. The funny thing is - I'm not doing this to lose weight (though, I know it will come off), I'm doing this to be stronger. I want my next part of my life (however long it may be) to be filled with strength and sensuality. And I want a healthy, strong body to carry me through it.

Why now? This Samhain was the 1 year anniversary of my name change and it struck me very hard that I'd done very little to improve my life (as I'd planned last year). This year I was able to start a fire and take a bath and set some goals. This time, it felt as though I were coming out of a cocoon. I felt invigorated and vibrant. And now it's time for me to live.

The only dark cloud is that I am unable to share it with the one I'd really hoped to have there cheering me on. But that's the way it needs to be right now. As with so many things in my life, I'll be doing this with my own determination and the cheering of a couple friends. And, as odd as that may sound, I am okay with that. I like knowing that I'm doing this on my own. I've always been proudest of my personal accomplishments when I had to deal with the issues. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for S & A from Ravelry to be there cheering me on and helping me stay motivated, but they can't be here when my feet hurt, or I get leg cramps in the night. Only me. As it's been for most of my life and will most likely be going forward.

I re-read that and it may seem that I am bitter or something, but I'm not. I just understand that the only person I can truly rely on, no matter what, is myself. That's just the way life is.