You know, I really don't feel any older today. I'm pretty happy with most things in my life right now. I'm healthy, kids are healthy, most of my loved ones are healthy. I have three cats that are the coolest. I have three chickens who will be laying eggs before too much longer. I have a guy who loves me dearly. I have lots of fiber and yarn to be creative with. I have plans to become more self-sufficient.

Of course, there are a couple dark spots to that brightness - my brother disowned me... actually he requested that I disown him, I'm still in Sandusky, I still don't have an alpaca or an angora rabbit. But these things are pretty minor. The first item is what it is and the others will be remedied with a little more time.

Yep, life is good.

Wasn't that supposed to be for relaxing?

I was pretty busy over the weekend, but I'm really glad everything got done. For now I'm sitting here while children are sleeping and planning out my day. I have several gifts to get finished before the Yuletide season arrives and should be able to work on them a little each day. I also have several charity knitting projects going. The chickens are getting bigger and we should have our first egg sometime next month. I still need a nesting box for them and will get that going in a week or so. I think I know how to do it, but I'll ask K to help with some of the cutting.

So far the car has been driving very well. It's very small and Sir Goth has a bit of trouble driving it, but it is fine for taking the daycare kids to school. I still need to get the oil changed, but that will have to wait until next month. I pretty much drained my envelopes this month with all the little things that happened earlier (school shopping, Serephina's vet bill, the fact that my check was more than $250 short). Hopefullly the 1st of October will be a little easier to deal with.

Our tomatoes are doing ok, but not as well as I'd hoped.So far we've hardly had any that are actually ripe. The orange ones are nice, the flavor is a little more bland than the red, but I think they'd do well in a salad. We've only had a couple cucumbers as well. I think next year I will most likely do a lot of planting out at K's place instead of here... after I build a fence to keep the bunnies out.

Tomorrow morning we'll be taking Samurai to the Humane Society. Who is that? He's the kitten that showed up under the bushes in the front yard last week. Both kids have asked if we could keep him, but I explained that we really can't have 4 cats in the house and an outdoor cat isn't healthy. It really would be better for him to have a home where someone can take good care of him. Lady Dreamer said that Samurai would be ok in our back yard, but I pointed out that he can get out of the yard... what if he got hit by a car? Or caught by the neighborhood bullies? Or in a fight with an opossum? These are worries one must deal with when you have an outdoor pet. Luckily, this Humane Society won't put an animal to sleep once they put it up for adoption. And as sweet as Sam is, I know he'll get adopted pretty soon.

Anyway, I have too much knitting to do and I need to get going on it. Even though I won't be giving that many gifts this year, I still want them to be done before the Solstice.

This week has been one huge rollercoaster of a mess. And now? I'm tired to the bone.

It started last Friday evening when I was getting ready to leave and Serephina seemed a little under the weather. I figured it was because she was mad at me since I'd been gone all day (Reiki II class) and that I was leaving again. I didn't really think that much about it. Saturday morning when I returned she still seemed a bit down, but not anything to really worry about it. By Monday, she spent almost the entire day sleeping on my bed. At that point I tried bringing her some water in a bowl but she wouldn't drink it. So I began giving it to her in a dropper. She drank it down like she was grateful and I repeated that every 45-60 minutes. Monday night I laid in my bed with her next to me and prayed. And cried.

Tuesday morning I woke at 4:15 to get ready for the day and she refused the water, even when I put it directly in her mouth, she just let it run out without swallowing. My heart clenched so tightly over this listless, weak ball of fur. I had tears in my eyes most of the morning, but none of the vets even opened until 9:30 or 10:00. I left messages at several of them to please call me as soon as they opened. Finally around 10 I began calling them again. "We have a full schedule, today." "If you were already a client here we could take you right away." "The vet isn't here today." Finally around 10:30 one asked me if I could be in by 11:15. Yes! But when we got there the news was grave. Serephina had septicemia possibly caused by a flea bite. This means that her blood stream was infected. The vet injected her with an antibiotic then proceeded to rehydrate her with a subcutaneous flow (where the needle goes just under the skin and fills her up like a balloon). Her temperature was 5.5 degrees higher than normal and she was not even fighting with the vet.

We were able to bring her home with more antibiotics and the instruction to watch her closely for the next 24 hours. For the rest of the day I sat on my bed with her or had one of the kids sitting with her. When night finally arrived I laid there with one hand on her and drifted in and out of sleep. My alarm was set for 4:15 again, but I was awake before it went off. She was still breathing and even meowed to me when I got up. Throughout the day Wednesday she began to get up. So very carefully she jumped down from my bed and walked slowly down the hallway. I nearly cried when she urinated. And I nearly cried again when she ate 5 bites of food. She slept most of the day again, but this time it felt different. She did get up a couple times to see what we were doing and even stayed in the living room while the daycare kids and I did crafts.

Thursday I bought a car. I didn't want one, but I need it to take two of the daycare kids to school. Otherwise I lose that income for the entire school year. Luckily I found one for only $650. I did splurge on putting my old plates back on and I am trying to stay focused on the positive energies going through the house right now. Oh, and we did the school shopping.

Friday we replaced the belt in the dryer. Thankfully it was in stock and not expensive, especially since it's been raining and we had school clothes to wash & dry before Monday. The two youngest kids weren't here for the day so I took the older ones to Back to the Wild. Their mom asked if I could call when we returned and she was able to come get them shortly after (around 1:30). That's when I began cleaning the house.

I mixed a batch of borax, eucalyptus, rosemary, tea tree and lavender oils. Most of that I left as a powder, but some of it I mixed in with water for a spray/wash. I started in the playroom, removing everything, vacuuming, sprinkling the borax mixture and closing the door. Everything was piled up in the living room for most of the afternoon and evening as I continued from one room to the next. Before I went to bed last night I re-vacuumed the playroom, wiped down the toybox and the big toys and put them all back. The things in the hallway were also cleaned and put back in place. Sir Goth complained a bit last night while he was emptying his room about having to do the "stupid carpets" and I yelled at him that our cats' lives were more important than his discomfort with a little hard work. I think my voice cracked at that point, mainly because of the upheavals and partly because I was so very tired, but I knew we needed to contimue. He looked at me quietly for just a moment and, with sincerity, apologized and told me that he didn't mean it that way. He hugged me then and told me that it would be ok. And we got back to work. K texted me while I was emptying Lady Dreamer's room and I didn't realize it was so late. After taking a moment to text him back, I got back to work. I finally laid down last night just after midnight and I don't think I even moved until morning.

Now I still have a couple rooms to do and I should be able to finish them today. Oh, and I have a doll to ship this morning. And I need to put gas in the car. And do the grocery shopping. And several other things that will just have to get done when it's time.

As I got up last night to get a blanket for my bed, I couldn't help but wonder where the summer went. Yes, we did have a couple really warm days. I think I turned on the a/c for a total of four days. And now, I'm airing out my shawls and making sure my wool socks are available for use. And looking for my cherry pit bag.

The air already has a different flavor to it as I let my hens out of the coop and I can't help but breathe deeply knowing it will soon have a nip of Autumn.

Very, very slowly I am getting things cleared out of the house. When I look around I don't see that much of a difference, but I know that dresser is empty, those shelves are clear, that cabinet is now useful. There are fewer plants in the house and more empty space. There are also a couple pieces of furniture that will be removed over the next couple weeks and that will help even more. I still have a long way to go, but it is getting better.

A few weeks ago I decided to make mint honey. I just finished straining it this morning and it tastes wonderful. I think it will be great in tea this winter to give us a bit of a boost. Of course it is pretty good in the iced tea I had. Because of my success I've decided to try out some lavender honey. Since I had to use dried flowers I'll be leaving it in the jar much longer, but if it turns out nicely as well, I can bottle it and give it as gifts this Yule. Much faster than trying to knit something for everyone.

I'm not sure what kind of car I'll be getting, but the right one will come along soon. I hope.

Why in the world does Michael Jackson get so much coverage when President Aquino hardly gets any?

 What does that say about our country's news people? What does it say about Americans?

For Lammas we ate corn. Lots of corn. I didn't make a big deal of the fact, but it was wonderdful anyway. We also had a fire at K's place which really topped the evening off well. We also enjoyed plums & peaches.

On Sunday we all went to see The Half-Blood Prince. I must say that I was disappointed. I haven't read the book in a long time, so there was little "fresh" comparison. (I'll try very hard not to have any spoilers for those who haven't seen it yet.) The movie had so many long-drawn-out scenes that could have been shortened or even eliminated and it left out so many vital bits of information.  Therewas a scene added that was nowhere in the book. And when I saw it I was furious. How dare they just destroy something like that? I will say that the acting skills from some of the actors was greatly improved. Tom Felton truly showed a mix of emotions when Draco was making his choices along the way. Daniel Radcliffe did a great job when Harry drank the Felix Felicis. And Michael Gambon finally made himself believable as Dumbledore. All in all I enjoyed the movie, but more because of the people I went with then the film itself. 

And some days are stone.

And some days are a crazy combination of both. This whole week has been like that. Business has been stressful, then hopeful, then frustrating. My body has decided to throw me several curves. One of my cats has some digestive issues. 

All in all, strange.

Today I took my first Reiki class. I have to say that it was very interesting and I felt all kinds of energy shifts. I don't want to go into great detail here, but I will say that I'm looking forward to practicing on anyone who wants to let me. I'm also looking forward to the next class.

Holy Shit.

I just got a letter from the Director of Childcare Services with Erie County stating that I may not get paid at the end of this month. 

"We know you work hard, caring for this community's children and need your payment. Unfortunately, if we do not receive money from the State, we cannot pay your bill. I am truly sorry for the inconvenience a delay in payment will cause."

 That scares me a little, but it makes me angry as well. If I don't work (because I'm not getting paid), then the parents will need to stay home with their kids. They can't afford to pay for daycare, so there isn't anywhere else to take them. Everyone else charges pretty much what I do except the day care centers (they charge more).

I'm going to stay calm for a bit, but what is implied in this letter is that I won't get paid for the whole month of June, and may not get paid for the month of July.

I'm sure most people have heard the phrase "Home is where your heart is". I wonder sometimes what that means to different people. What about when your heart is in more than one place? Then what?

My heart sometimes whooshes over to the Sonoran Desert. I'll see a new picture or hear a song and I'm there, baking in the heat, feeling the dry air wick away any sweat that dares to reach for the surface of my skin, and being amazed at how big the sky is.

Other times my heart is gently resting in the moment between drowsing and sleep while K is drifting off to dreams beside me. Thoughts of the day leaving my consciousness while my muscles release their tensions.

And still there are moments my heart soars over the land to reach the mountains where the fir trees whisper secrets to the wind while the ravens call out overhead.

I know this for certain: my heart is NOT in Sandusky. After spending the last two weekends out in the country, it is harder than ever to be happy and calm in this place. It is only temporary.

Warning: rant.

"It's so hot!" "I can't believe how hot it is!" People say that so much. I can't help but want to say to them, "Imagine that! It's HOT during the summer. Did you know it snows in the winter around here, too?"

Come on, people! Think about what you are saying. You complain because it's hot during the months that it's supposed to be hot. You complain that it's cold during the months it's supposed to be cold. You complain because the leaves are falling all over your yard during the time of year leaves are supposed to fall. And you complain that the weeds are coming up when everything is supposed to be growing. Do you not think that we are supposed to enjoy the wondrous variety that Nature has to offer us? Do you not think of the beauty in each season? 

Yes, the temperatures are climbing. Yes, it can be uncomfortable. But there is something to be said about knowing you don't need to wear socks at night just to stay warm. There is something to be said about laying down in the grass simply because it is nice and cool. 

Nature is beautiful. 

I have it very good. Sitting here in my bedroom, computer, children in the other room. I know I can voice my opinions to the world and nothing will happen to me. I can disagree with my government. It is my right, sometimes my duty. I do not fear retribution. I do not fear attack. I do not fear.

A story. This makes me sad. And even more than that, it makes me angry. 

I am so very grateful for the rights I have. For the choices I have. For the protection I have. For the freedoms I have.

Are you?

We had a mostly good weekend. Lady Dreamer and I went to K's to watch 2 more Harry Potter movies. Now there's only one more to watch before the Half-Blood Prince comes out in theaters. Hopefully we will still be able to go on opening day.

Luckily, my allergy symptoms were nearly non-existant the whole weekend. They did flare up considerably today while I was doing the yard work, but I'll be fine. I'll be very glad when they end for the remainder of the year.

I have a myriad of emotions. Why? I'm trying so hard to be happy about the decision I made to stay in Sandusky. After all, this is where my job is. It wouldn't be prudent to quit here and try relocating somewhere else right now. I can have my animals. My landlord's not a jerk. We are within walking distance of almost everywhere we need to go and not really that far from other places. 

It's just hard living in a place I've disliked since I moved here and the way things are going... I may be here for a much longer time than I first thought.

Ok, how sad is it when a person starts getting teary-eyed a a graduation before the damn thing even starts!? I went to a graduation yesterday for KM (K's 17yo daughter) and had to keep myself occupied just to keep myself under control.

But... these kids have so much potential (even the not-so-good ones) and their future is ahead of them with no mistakes yet. Sure, most of them will have it tough, especially in this economic mess, but they are young and full of energy and dreams and...

I'll be going through the same thing next year, and the one after that, and a couple years after that, and then one more. Argh!

Ok, so she's not brand new, but she's new to me. She's a 2007 Elfdoll tiny (Sylf) and I renamed her Faelyn. She's very pixie-like! She came standard with high-heels, but I took a bit of time last night removing the shoes. Now she has nice, naturally shaped feet. I even painted her toenails! I had to use a strand of fishing line to do it, but they look nice.

I'm already knitting a little dress for her. The one she came with is red & black which are really not my colors. At least not for her. I'll be looking at various wigs to see which one I might like since I don't really care for blond, but part of me really likes the way she looks.

There are lots of other things going on but I don't know if I'm going to write about them right now. 

Yesterday was pretty warm. Lady Dreamer said it was HOT but I reminded her that Summer isn't even here. Personally, I like the warmer weather.

I was able to get a few things done in the yard yesterday and it looks better out there. I also paid someone to mow the back yard since it had gotten very overgrown. Once I get paid I'll be able to get my mower blades sharpened and I can keep the grass short back there.

So far the zucchinis are coming up nicely, but nothing else. We do have a few lettuces and spinach plants, but no tomatoes, eggplants, peppers or cucumbers. My fingers are crossed anyway.

Aurora is doing nicely and seems to be healing faster than any of the other cats did. I think it's because she is still so young. I know the others didn't get fixed until they were about a year old (except Nemisis). Perhaps in the future I'll remind myself to have this done when they are still little.

 I'll be working today. I'm okay with it, but I seem to be having allergy issues so it's a bit uncomfortable when I'm sneezing. Right now I just want to take a nap.

Aurora is in heat. Again. This is the third time since Easter and I'm sure she's going crazy. I called a couple weeks ago to schedule an appointment with Life Savers and the soonest one is May 20th. Sign me up! Yes, we will be taking this poor little girl down on Wednesday to get her insides poked & prodded and snipped. I always feel bad for the cats for the week or so of recovery, but it has to be better than suffering through this "in heat BS". Since Aurora is still only 5 or 6 months old, she's pretty tiny. when we hold her, it feels like holding cotton candy compared to holding our other cats.

For now, this part-siamese/part-tabby/all-fluffy cat is wandering around the house mrowing and  crying at all the windows to be let out. The part Siamese is what's starting to get to me. She is so loud! It wouldn't be so bad if her noise level was like Lyra's.

All kidding aside, I hope everyone out there knows how vital it is to get your pets spayed/neutered. And there are places that don't charge and arm and a leg to do it.

Tonight I was asked what my feelings were. And it happened. Just like it always does; I try to talk about the emotions and they all rush up to the surface in the form of tears. Then I get angry because my voice won't work right and the tears are falling. And my anger causes even more tears to fall. Then I'm sitting there looking like an idiot. Did I get the words out? No. Only a couple words were actually aloud/allowed before the emotions took over.

Why is this? What short circuit is in me that causes my emotions to overwhelm me enough to keep me from being able to talk? To express what I'm feeling? To conduct myself as a normal human being?

In the mean time, I have no answers. I wrote a little about it, but it still seems... the word escapes me. Perhaps I'm just getting too tired to think clearly. I could use the excuse that I've been up since 6am. 

Strange thoughts travel through my mind during the day. Many times I find myself thinking about the future and what may come. Too many times those thoughts are not good ones. But a few times... Well, a few times I think about the opportunities that await me.

I worry, too, that something will happen before I can get things taken care of, but I still have goals in mind. I still have several ideas about what I can do to achieve my own dream. I only need to put those dreams into action.

~~~

I've joined the NaNoWriMo group. I know it isn't my dream to write a novel, but I think it would be fun to just write each day. I only need to think of what to write about. It seems to me that everything has already been written. Every idea I have, I can point to a book that has the same idea. I know the main goal is to give your book a personal twist, but it seems even those are already done. Still, I will give it a shot.

The weather is steadily moving to the warmerdays. I'm so glad! As much as I love my sweaters and wool socks, as much as I love the feel of the warm cherry pit bag by my feet at night, as much as I love the contrast of a male cardinal against the snow... I long for the sun shining fiercely on my skin while I'm pulling weeds in my garden, for the fresh taste of tomatoes still warm from the garden, for the sigh of relief as the evenings begin to cool.