At least that's what I keep saying to myself. I'm determined not to fall into any depression this season. I can feel it back there, trying to drag me down sometimes, but I won't let it get me this year.

I've filled up a couple of my evenings with belly dance class and a knitting circle, but I'm not really happy with the style of the dance and the knitting circle is filled with women 20 years my senior. I've nothing in common with someone who has full-grown grandchildren. Still, I will continue until the end of the year, at least. After the belly dance class, I will be taking violin lessons from RB. He's the one who taught Lady Dreamer and he's pretty straight-forward. I'll decide about the knitting circle later.

I'm still working out and I really do feel great about that. I don't really see that much of a difference in the mirror yet, but I can feel a strength growing under my skin. I know that I will be able to reach my goal and I am looking forward to doing so.

I'm trying to find a replacement for retail therapy, though. Right now there isn't anything I want more than to drive over to the mall and buy something. The worst part is that I do actually have a little money that won't cut into the budget at all. And no one to talk me out of going. Other than myself. And the fact that I'd like to use that money for a deposit on customizing my spinning wheel.

Time for a shower, comfy pjs, knitting and some hot cocoa. Or something a bit stronger than chocolate.

Ok, it's no secret that I don't really have a lot of electronics in my portion of the house (we won't get into Sir Goth's room). I don't really see a need to have a large screen TV since I don't watch it much, although I think it would be cool to watch my favorite movies like that. I don't need the killer stereo set-up since I don't have my own house, 'though, eventually I want speakers in every room, controlled in each room. And, I don't have every gadget and doo-dad that money can buy.

But! I dearly loved my mp3 player. It was not fancy or high-priced. It was not a cool color. It didn't even have a lot of space (2G). But I used it a lot. By "a lot" I don't mean the occasional walk to the library or whatever. I mean all the time - grocery shopping, sitting in the back yard, washing dishes, during the daycare nap time, walking to the library, some mornings at K's, doing yard work, during meditation, during soap-making, during salve-making... Well, you get the idea.

On Samhain I dropped my mp3 player in a bathtub. While it had water in it. My heart stopped, but I was sure it would be alright if I got it completely dried out. So, I opened the case, removed the battery and left it open. No luck. I opened the face section and left it sitting on my warming rock (a rock I have set above a candle, the rock gets warm, but not hot) for a day. Better luck now, it came on and played my music. After doing the happy dance I turned it off and took a shower. When I came back in the room, it was on. Weird, but whatever. I shut it off again and within 30 seconds it came back on. So, I removed the on/off button. No better. Ok, I figured that there was something not quite right in there and opened the back & removed the battery figuring I would put it all back together when I'm going to use it. My first 1-mile walk, it seemed to do just fine. The next one? It shut down every 20-30 seconds, then came back on. I wanted to cry.

A new mp3 player is not in my budget this month. In fact, it wouldn't be in my budget until February. But, in all honesty, this isn't a device I want to live without, so I pulled money from my fiber, laptop and camping envelopes(which didn't have that much in them) and ordered a replacement. It should be arriving some time today and I will be very happy. I'll still be going for my 1-mile walk without it, but at least I can start tomorrow morning with music again.

Well, here goes... I've been exercising and getting myself ready for a run. Not a long one, but it needs to be somewhat fast. I need to run 3 miles in 32 minutes. There is a little more to this training than just the running though. I will be passing the USMC PFT (USMC physical fitness test) for my age and gender. (In case anyone is interested in my successes and set-backs, there is a link on the right.) I will be taking until Summer Solstice to get ready for this and I think that's enough time.

This morning I bought my first pair of running shoes. This worries and exhilarates me. Worries, because I don't have a lot of money to spend so I had to go to Payless and I really hope I'm not going to cause injuries with cheaper shoes. Exhilarates because it's another step in the direction I'm heading. Already there are curves developing that I'd long since given up on. The funny thing is - I'm not doing this to lose weight (though, I know it will come off), I'm doing this to be stronger. I want my next part of my life (however long it may be) to be filled with strength and sensuality. And I want a healthy, strong body to carry me through it.

Why now? This Samhain was the 1 year anniversary of my name change and it struck me very hard that I'd done very little to improve my life (as I'd planned last year). This year I was able to start a fire and take a bath and set some goals. This time, it felt as though I were coming out of a cocoon. I felt invigorated and vibrant. And now it's time for me to live.

The only dark cloud is that I am unable to share it with the one I'd really hoped to have there cheering me on. But that's the way it needs to be right now. As with so many things in my life, I'll be doing this with my own determination and the cheering of a couple friends. And, as odd as that may sound, I am okay with that. I like knowing that I'm doing this on my own. I've always been proudest of my personal accomplishments when I had to deal with the issues. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for S & A from Ravelry to be there cheering me on and helping me stay motivated, but they can't be here when my feet hurt, or I get leg cramps in the night. Only me. As it's been for most of my life and will most likely be going forward.

I re-read that and it may seem that I am bitter or something, but I'm not. I just understand that the only person I can truly rely on, no matter what, is myself. That's just the way life is.

Things have been shifting in my mind a bit lately. For the best. This might sound pretty strange, but I feel as though I'm shedding off a heavy blanket that has been weighing me down and making it hard to see ahead. It's also made me feel little and mean and unable to really appreciate life. I've also felt suspicious of good things in my life. Almost as though I needed to root out why they happened to me. Why did I deserve something that good? I've spent quite a bit of time tearing down all that I've been trying to build. What a waste! And yet, I think, for some reason, I needed to go through that.

I lost something wonderful. Perhaps for the rest of this lifetime. Something I know I deserved and still deserve. But I will keep on going with the goals and challenges I've set in place for myself. Why? Because I deserve to be strong and healthy. And I will accept nothing less from myself.

To the two lovely women cheering me on in this crazy PFT - I love you both and feel so very lucky to have you there, even though you're in different states. I'm really looking forward to the Summer Solstice because I know you will both be there in Spirit.

Last night was my first (this time around) belly dance class. I don't really need the classes since I know many steps already, but it will be very nice to be around others who are older than 17 (maximum age of daily contacts...ugh).

I began my goal training on the first. I was actually impressed with myself with the two-minute crunches. I got up to 38 yesterday but only 4 today. I'm not worried since I know I'll reach my goal.

In the meanwhile, I'm heading to bed. I hope you're all staying warm, dry and healthy.

I was angry a couple hours ago. I wished I could actually hit someone, but I knew it wouldn't really make me feel better.

And now I'm sad again. I will move past this, I know. But going through it now is hurting.

I saw the sad decline,
a rift become a storm.
Stayed so cold last night,
This lonely heart inside me says:

Almost seems to late to turn,
What to do if I'm to learn?
Almost seems to late to turn to you.

~~~

Now the anger's gone. It leaves behind the pain, again.

 Clannad

You know, I have several people I talk with and many I'd call friends. But during my darkest hours, there has only been one person I can turn to. And now I can not turn to them.

I am truly alone. And it feels like death.

My life stretches out before me and I know that I will have a tiny funeral. I will have a handful of people who will know that I was here and that now I'm gone. I will be forgotten with a little time and there will be no one to think back and say anything about me.

For today I will need to set aside this pain and keep trudging along. And yet, this is precisely what I did the last time I felt this way. And I nearly lost my mind. But there are no other options. There isn't a person I can go to and talk it out. There is no money for a counselor. There is only me and my pain and grief and a need to keep them bottled because the earth will not stop turning and I have bills to pay.

I truly wish I could just be done with this life now and not have to deal with all this. No, I'm not selfish enough to take my own life. I wouldn't burden others with that shame. Instead, I will keep on going. And pray for numbness.

As I lay in bed this morning I wished for a way to reach oblivion. Why? Because I've not slept in a couple days and I'm hurting from some of the thoughts in my mind. I won't go into detail, but I feel as though someone took my dreams and burned them to the ground.

Oh, I will still be working toward a farm and fiber animals, but right now that all seems pretty empty.

Also, I could have sworn I posted something yesterday and now it is gone. The state of mind I was in that morning is long gone. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings I had. It seems like a lifetime ago.

As the nights lengthen I can't help but wonder where the Summer went. The days have been overcast and rainy and the cold seeps into my bones. I'm trying to stay positive about so many things, but it isn't always easy. I do try to stay focused on my knitting and crafts. I also focus on my chickens and other "trivial" things, but dreaming of the future has come to a screeching halt.  

Why is that? I'm not really sure and too often I feel apathetic about it. I know that I still want to get my farm and raise rabbits, goats and alpacas. I know that I want to have chickens and a cow. Perhaps even a turkey. I know I want a couple barn cats and a dog or two. I know that I want to make a living selling fiber and herbal salve and perhaps sales with cria. But lately it all seems pretty distant.

On Samhain this year, I plan to spend the day out at K's. He's got a got place to light a large fire and I can take care of some emotional baggage while celebrating the new year. I just hope it isn't raining that day.

Finances have been a little better and it mostly is due to the car I bought. I've been able to keep the girls here since I drive them to school and back ('though, most days I walk to pick them up). I do not want to go through another winter with only the 2 youngest kids here. It makes it way too stressful.

For now, I'm going to keep my mind occupied with books, crafts and possibly a class or two.

I've not listened to this cd in over a year. This morning it is all I want to listen to. Even with the first song, I feel a calmness wash over me and I am more at peace. The storm outside, the fire burning inside, the warm blankets folded under me and the soft flute playing.

This month has been another rollercoaster in my life and I'm glad it is coming to an end. October holds so much hope and promise and the season is turning.

Ok, I can understand the occasional typographical error (also known as "typo") but why do people insist on putting "teh" in nearly every sentence? Are they trying to be cute or funny? Do they think it's rebellious to mis-type words? Or are they really that ignorant? And why does it bother me at all? Because I'm afraid this kind of behavior will continue to grow until we are all expected to be idiots.

My daughter is currently in 7th grade. When she complains that the work is too easy, I look into it. Tuesday she was plotting points on a number line. "Please place a circle around -5." She was right: this was too easy. Even for the beginning of the school year (she's been in for nearly a month now). I would rather she struggled in the more advanced math class than to excel in the easy class. There is no challenge, no push to learn a little more.

People talk about budget and state spending, and I know that has a bit to do with the issues but, damn it, I want my children to learn, not just get by. That's why I started taking their education in my own hands. As have many other parents. 

You know, I really don't feel any older today. I'm pretty happy with most things in my life right now. I'm healthy, kids are healthy, most of my loved ones are healthy. I have three cats that are the coolest. I have three chickens who will be laying eggs before too much longer. I have a guy who loves me dearly. I have lots of fiber and yarn to be creative with. I have plans to become more self-sufficient.

Of course, there are a couple dark spots to that brightness - my brother disowned me... actually he requested that I disown him, I'm still in Sandusky, I still don't have an alpaca or an angora rabbit. But these things are pretty minor. The first item is what it is and the others will be remedied with a little more time.

Yep, life is good.

Wasn't that supposed to be for relaxing?

I was pretty busy over the weekend, but I'm really glad everything got done. For now I'm sitting here while children are sleeping and planning out my day. I have several gifts to get finished before the Yuletide season arrives and should be able to work on them a little each day. I also have several charity knitting projects going. The chickens are getting bigger and we should have our first egg sometime next month. I still need a nesting box for them and will get that going in a week or so. I think I know how to do it, but I'll ask K to help with some of the cutting.

So far the car has been driving very well. It's very small and Sir Goth has a bit of trouble driving it, but it is fine for taking the daycare kids to school. I still need to get the oil changed, but that will have to wait until next month. I pretty much drained my envelopes this month with all the little things that happened earlier (school shopping, Serephina's vet bill, the fact that my check was more than $250 short). Hopefullly the 1st of October will be a little easier to deal with.

Our tomatoes are doing ok, but not as well as I'd hoped.So far we've hardly had any that are actually ripe. The orange ones are nice, the flavor is a little more bland than the red, but I think they'd do well in a salad. We've only had a couple cucumbers as well. I think next year I will most likely do a lot of planting out at K's place instead of here... after I build a fence to keep the bunnies out.

Tomorrow morning we'll be taking Samurai to the Humane Society. Who is that? He's the kitten that showed up under the bushes in the front yard last week. Both kids have asked if we could keep him, but I explained that we really can't have 4 cats in the house and an outdoor cat isn't healthy. It really would be better for him to have a home where someone can take good care of him. Lady Dreamer said that Samurai would be ok in our back yard, but I pointed out that he can get out of the yard... what if he got hit by a car? Or caught by the neighborhood bullies? Or in a fight with an opossum? These are worries one must deal with when you have an outdoor pet. Luckily, this Humane Society won't put an animal to sleep once they put it up for adoption. And as sweet as Sam is, I know he'll get adopted pretty soon.

Anyway, I have too much knitting to do and I need to get going on it. Even though I won't be giving that many gifts this year, I still want them to be done before the Solstice.

This week has been one huge rollercoaster of a mess. And now? I'm tired to the bone.

It started last Friday evening when I was getting ready to leave and Serephina seemed a little under the weather. I figured it was because she was mad at me since I'd been gone all day (Reiki II class) and that I was leaving again. I didn't really think that much about it. Saturday morning when I returned she still seemed a bit down, but not anything to really worry about it. By Monday, she spent almost the entire day sleeping on my bed. At that point I tried bringing her some water in a bowl but she wouldn't drink it. So I began giving it to her in a dropper. She drank it down like she was grateful and I repeated that every 45-60 minutes. Monday night I laid in my bed with her next to me and prayed. And cried.

Tuesday morning I woke at 4:15 to get ready for the day and she refused the water, even when I put it directly in her mouth, she just let it run out without swallowing. My heart clenched so tightly over this listless, weak ball of fur. I had tears in my eyes most of the morning, but none of the vets even opened until 9:30 or 10:00. I left messages at several of them to please call me as soon as they opened. Finally around 10 I began calling them again. "We have a full schedule, today." "If you were already a client here we could take you right away." "The vet isn't here today." Finally around 10:30 one asked me if I could be in by 11:15. Yes! But when we got there the news was grave. Serephina had septicemia possibly caused by a flea bite. This means that her blood stream was infected. The vet injected her with an antibiotic then proceeded to rehydrate her with a subcutaneous flow (where the needle goes just under the skin and fills her up like a balloon). Her temperature was 5.5 degrees higher than normal and she was not even fighting with the vet.

We were able to bring her home with more antibiotics and the instruction to watch her closely for the next 24 hours. For the rest of the day I sat on my bed with her or had one of the kids sitting with her. When night finally arrived I laid there with one hand on her and drifted in and out of sleep. My alarm was set for 4:15 again, but I was awake before it went off. She was still breathing and even meowed to me when I got up. Throughout the day Wednesday she began to get up. So very carefully she jumped down from my bed and walked slowly down the hallway. I nearly cried when she urinated. And I nearly cried again when she ate 5 bites of food. She slept most of the day again, but this time it felt different. She did get up a couple times to see what we were doing and even stayed in the living room while the daycare kids and I did crafts.

Thursday I bought a car. I didn't want one, but I need it to take two of the daycare kids to school. Otherwise I lose that income for the entire school year. Luckily I found one for only $650. I did splurge on putting my old plates back on and I am trying to stay focused on the positive energies going through the house right now. Oh, and we did the school shopping.

Friday we replaced the belt in the dryer. Thankfully it was in stock and not expensive, especially since it's been raining and we had school clothes to wash & dry before Monday. The two youngest kids weren't here for the day so I took the older ones to Back to the Wild. Their mom asked if I could call when we returned and she was able to come get them shortly after (around 1:30). That's when I began cleaning the house.

I mixed a batch of borax, eucalyptus, rosemary, tea tree and lavender oils. Most of that I left as a powder, but some of it I mixed in with water for a spray/wash. I started in the playroom, removing everything, vacuuming, sprinkling the borax mixture and closing the door. Everything was piled up in the living room for most of the afternoon and evening as I continued from one room to the next. Before I went to bed last night I re-vacuumed the playroom, wiped down the toybox and the big toys and put them all back. The things in the hallway were also cleaned and put back in place. Sir Goth complained a bit last night while he was emptying his room about having to do the "stupid carpets" and I yelled at him that our cats' lives were more important than his discomfort with a little hard work. I think my voice cracked at that point, mainly because of the upheavals and partly because I was so very tired, but I knew we needed to contimue. He looked at me quietly for just a moment and, with sincerity, apologized and told me that he didn't mean it that way. He hugged me then and told me that it would be ok. And we got back to work. K texted me while I was emptying Lady Dreamer's room and I didn't realize it was so late. After taking a moment to text him back, I got back to work. I finally laid down last night just after midnight and I don't think I even moved until morning.

Now I still have a couple rooms to do and I should be able to finish them today. Oh, and I have a doll to ship this morning. And I need to put gas in the car. And do the grocery shopping. And several other things that will just have to get done when it's time.

As I got up last night to get a blanket for my bed, I couldn't help but wonder where the summer went. Yes, we did have a couple really warm days. I think I turned on the a/c for a total of four days. And now, I'm airing out my shawls and making sure my wool socks are available for use. And looking for my cherry pit bag.

The air already has a different flavor to it as I let my hens out of the coop and I can't help but breathe deeply knowing it will soon have a nip of Autumn.

Very, very slowly I am getting things cleared out of the house. When I look around I don't see that much of a difference, but I know that dresser is empty, those shelves are clear, that cabinet is now useful. There are fewer plants in the house and more empty space. There are also a couple pieces of furniture that will be removed over the next couple weeks and that will help even more. I still have a long way to go, but it is getting better.

A few weeks ago I decided to make mint honey. I just finished straining it this morning and it tastes wonderful. I think it will be great in tea this winter to give us a bit of a boost. Of course it is pretty good in the iced tea I had. Because of my success I've decided to try out some lavender honey. Since I had to use dried flowers I'll be leaving it in the jar much longer, but if it turns out nicely as well, I can bottle it and give it as gifts this Yule. Much faster than trying to knit something for everyone.

I'm not sure what kind of car I'll be getting, but the right one will come along soon. I hope.

Why in the world does Michael Jackson get so much coverage when President Aquino hardly gets any?

 What does that say about our country's news people? What does it say about Americans?

For Lammas we ate corn. Lots of corn. I didn't make a big deal of the fact, but it was wonderdful anyway. We also had a fire at K's place which really topped the evening off well. We also enjoyed plums & peaches.

On Sunday we all went to see The Half-Blood Prince. I must say that I was disappointed. I haven't read the book in a long time, so there was little "fresh" comparison. (I'll try very hard not to have any spoilers for those who haven't seen it yet.) The movie had so many long-drawn-out scenes that could have been shortened or even eliminated and it left out so many vital bits of information.  Therewas a scene added that was nowhere in the book. And when I saw it I was furious. How dare they just destroy something like that? I will say that the acting skills from some of the actors was greatly improved. Tom Felton truly showed a mix of emotions when Draco was making his choices along the way. Daniel Radcliffe did a great job when Harry drank the Felix Felicis. And Michael Gambon finally made himself believable as Dumbledore. All in all I enjoyed the movie, but more because of the people I went with then the film itself. 

And some days are stone.

And some days are a crazy combination of both. This whole week has been like that. Business has been stressful, then hopeful, then frustrating. My body has decided to throw me several curves. One of my cats has some digestive issues. 

All in all, strange.

Today I took my first Reiki class. I have to say that it was very interesting and I felt all kinds of energy shifts. I don't want to go into great detail here, but I will say that I'm looking forward to practicing on anyone who wants to let me. I'm also looking forward to the next class.