Anger, sadness, wistfullness and tears. Yes, all those went through me last night. I'm not going into details but last night turned out nothing like I'd hoped. The tears came even after I tried to think of other things. Sometimes life is just not the best.

Silver linings are something I'm trying to find a lot of lately. With each negative thing that happens I try to find some positive. My car broke down yesterday. Silver lining is that it broke down now instead of while i was driving to Cleveland to watch Anthony swear in. Last night the kids didn't really want to do a family night. Silver lining is that I got to finish fixing the sock puppet and listen to music. I haven't getten to spend time with K in more time than I care to think about. Silver lining... um... I'll keep thinking.

Today we will be replacing the starter in my car. The temperatures are going to be in the 90s and we'll be working at the auto parts store. I'm still looking for the silver lining on that one, too.

This morning I put a makeshift window in the back wall of the chicken coop. I really hope it helps keep them from over heating while they are laying eggs. The coop is in direct sunlight for a couple hours each day and, even with the door wide open, it gets very hot in there. I used my circular saw and it isn't a pretty job, but it will suit the purpose for now.

-

I hope everyone is having a great day with your families and that you enjoy the fireworks tonight.

So many things are going on right now that it's hard to stay focused on what I need. I know the basics: eat, sleep, drink water. But there are other things I need: meditate, yoga, learn, love.

I miss my kids. I know the act of growing up and inching away from "Mom" is a normal and natural progression of life. I know that they want to spend more time with their friends and that I am only here for the occasional night at home, but I miss them. 

In less than four weeks, Sir Goth will be getting on a plane and heading to another state. This will be the furthest distance we've ever had between us. Sure, he's gone to Columbus for robotics tournaments, and he's gone camping with his friends, and I once went to Mexico and left them with a friend... but this? This is so very different. This time, he is not my little boy. He is an adult, and when he gets out of boot camp, he will be a man. A man I do not yet know. In the midst of my pride for him, my heart breaks.

Dreamer has spent more time at her friend's house than she has here at home. Yes, I could keep her here and tell her that she can't go, but to what end? Here, I am working each day and she would only sit, reading, going online or painting her nails. She may as well enoy her time with her friends.

I am trying to stay focused on the yarns and screen-printing. I'm trying to stay focused on my studies. Some days are a little harder than others.

I cleaned off my desk last night and added a board to the top so I have a bigger surface. It's much better now. I like having enough room to move the keyboard out of the way so I can write in my journals. I also have enough room for my candle, crystals, offering figure and my orchid. And none of them are crowded. I am going to try very hard to keep it that way.

I'm still learning about the chakras and will be staying focused on that aspect of my life. There are some issues with studying before bed, but I'm hoping to get that straightened out soon.

Alina Shea Creations is growing slowly. I'm nowhere near the point of being able to move, but I believe that by offering the best yarns I can find for my customers and supplying what they want (currently lots of Harry Potter colors), I will get there eventually. I'm also going to start offering screen-printed items soon. Today I'm working on the gifts for the club members and once that's done, I'll get started on the shop items.

I was called "She Who is Morrigan" in an email recently and I have to say that it really touched something inside me. What a beautiful way to be thought of. I had commisioned an artist for an ink sketch a few days ago and described what I wanted and this is what she called me in the reply. (Here's her Esty shop.) Sometimes, I am filled with good energy. Even when I'm so tired that the thought of skipping dinner and going to bed is so very tempting. Sadly, my sheets are in the dryer and I got rid of the old ones.

I've been listening to Pandora Radio lately and love the huge variety. I don't listen to the local stations since they talk way too much and, even though I search for similar artists to what I already listen to, but I've been getting tired of what I have on my computer. With Pandora I've "met" so many new music artist and groups that I feel like I could delete all my music files and never miss them. I won't of course.

I've been focusing on the chakras lately. Yes, I know the basics already, but now I'm studying them. I'm learning their names and the associations of them. This week I'm beginning again since I'd stopped reading in the evenings. I'll start with the root chakra and slowly move my way upward. I can't help but wonder what changes will occur while I'm studying them and meditating about them. This should be interesting.

I'm also going to make some small Goddess dolls each chakra to correspond with my learnings. Here's one I already made for soothing sleep. She's filled with lavender buds and smells so peaceful. I used the some of the yarn I spun last month for her body as well as the embellishments.

I don't read the news very often. Rarely are there articles about positive things going on in this world. Most have to do with people hurting other people, damage being done to the planet and war. Today is no different.

Images of the damage done by crude oil show up everywhere. Globs of tarry substance on beaches, seaweed covered in oil, dead sea turtles and dying birds. The few pictures I did see are now haunting my mind and will for a long time. Not enough is being done to stop this disaster and too much is being done to place the blame. Part of me wonders if this is the event that will get us away from the high use of petroleum products, but I really don't think so.

A young man was shot on the Mexican border. This story saddens me as well as angers me. Many of my acquaintances will not understand this, but I'm angry, not at the Border Patrol, but at the Mexican government and the people crossing into this country. I believe the officer had the right duty to shoot. He was being assaulted by someone who has no right to cross into this country. I would not be brought up on any charges if I shot a person who entered my home illegally.This country is our home. It certainly isn't much right now, but it's still ours. Perhaps I'm a selfish person, but I don't feel we need to open our doors to anyone who wants to come in. 

More death in the Middle East. I don't even want to comment on all the stuff going on over there. My closest friends know how I feel. Everyone else? Form your own opinions.

This stuff makes me think the militia folks have it right.

Milk... sometimes it is all I need. Tonight, for dinner, I had a glass of skim milk. That's all I wanted. I didn't want dinner, I didn't want food. Just glass of milk.

Tonight I realized just how disconnected from my body I get sometimes and it made me wonder. I feel more connected tonight and it feels good. I need to listen to it more often.

Sir Goth is drawing away from us, which is normal. And I knew would happen. And I tried to be prepared. But. Some days it hits me a lot harder than others. On those days I want to get in the car and drive away. I want to sink all my money into an RV and drive as far away as I can.

But I am needed by other loved ones. They rely on me. They count on my strength. They miss me when I'm not there. They watch to see how I react to things. And, I can not let them down. Because I need them.

I sit here this morning, thinking about the things I'm doing and how they affect me. And how they will affect me. I think about the things I dream about, like the farm life and the animals and living as off-grid as I can. I think about the way my floors will look and the way the walls will look. I think about the way the sun will come through the windows. And I think of time.

In just eight weeks, Sir Goth will be swearing in a second time and he will get on a plane to his new, adult life. I am more proud of him than I can express and, at times, it comes out as tears. I do hope he knows that they are tears of happiness and of pride.

I've put my violin lessons on hold for a little while and will resume them at the end of summer. It makes me sad to do this, but I've gotten to the point of dealing with too many things and I need to cut some of it away. I'm glad the dance lessons are nearly finished as well. What do I need to focus on? My children, my dreams, my customers, my Spirituality, my health, my  relationships.

I'm also focusing my thoughts on moving away from here. I'm certain that the slow, steady increase in sales will give me that opportunity soon and I want to be ready for it. I've thought of various places to go to and I'm looking forward to getting away from here. Will I miss some people? Yes, I certainly will. However, I know that the energy here has been wrong for me for all these years and it's not gotten any better.

Anyway, I get to enjoy some knitting time today and hope you all find beauty and peace in your day.

So, the days have been slipping by and I am flying along with them.

I've been enjoying myself, dyeing and knitting and dyeing some more.  Sales have been slowly increasing in little bursts and I'm looking forward to the tomorrow that makes it all official. Ravelry has helped with that immensely. I've gotten more sales since advertising on there. The yarn club's first shipment will be going out this month and I'm so excited about that. I've been knitting a small gift to go into the charter members' packages and I really think they are going to like it. And, I've been contacted by a lovely woman about having my yarns in her shop. I'm so tickled about it all.

I planted a couple tomato plants on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to the fresh taste of sun-warm, rain-kissed freshness. I also got a stevia plant and I'm hoping to have better luck this time around. There won't be an actual gardent his year, simply because I don't know what will be happening with the house and with the yarn sales and all that stuff. And because I want to focus on Alina Shea Creations for a while.

I moved the hosting to Dreamhost since they seem better suited for business. I've got help with the installing of ZenCart and should be able to have stuff listing in Etsy as well as on alinashea.com. 

Sir Goth will be leaving on July 19th. I am so thrilled for him as well as sad for me. He has always been a steady point in my life. Now, my place in his life is diminishing. That is how it should be. I want him to stand strong and live his own dreams and ambitions. I also know that I will always be his mother and nothing will ever change that. I also know that when he gets on that plane to Parris Island, the little boy will be put away inside of the man he's to become.

Lady Dreamer and I will be staying busy this summer. We'll be going camping, alone as well as with K & his daughter. We'll go to movies and the library. We'll find lots of ways to stay busy until we are more comfortable with the shift in the house.

For now, I still have the daycare to continue running and I need to get going. I hope you're having a fantastic day.

I'm sitting here this afternoon realizing just how much I do with my hands. I painted my nails in preparation for going to see Wicked tomorrow evening and I am waiting for them to dry. In the meantime, I can't knit, wash dishes, herd the chickens into the coop, do laundry, or write in my journal (due to the way I hold the pen). So, I'm carefully typing on here instead.

There are times when I am tempted to get acrylic nails again. They are easy to take care of, the nail polish lasts 2 weeks and they look nice. It would be a large start up cost (supplies aren't cheap) and I'd need to do the fill-ins every couple weeks, which takes away from my knitting time but my nails would always look nice. Then reality steps in. The chemicals are pretty gross and I don't want to expose myself to that on a regular basis. I'm still not as toxin-free as I would like to be, but I'm pretty darn close. Even the nail polish I do use is a water based polish. (A little expensive, but better than the other stuff).

I've got my outfit chosen for tomorrow. Map is printed, tickets are printed, everything is ready. Am I excited? Oh yes. Dreamer is pretty wired up about it too. This will be a first for both of us. I've gone to small plays, but nothing like this one. She's never gone to any plays. We'll be heading out tomorrow afternoon and will get there about an hour early. Fine with me, I'd like to have a decent parking space and I can sit in our seats & knit while we're waiting for the show.

Tonight I'm going to relax over at K's place. I can't even describe the peace I feel there. No close neighbors, no smell of cigarettes or cigars (there's a new tenant to the west of us and they smoke heavily), no sirens, no shouting, no foul language, no gulls. I can look out his windows and see open space. The air isn't contaminated with asphalt & trash.

Do I despise where I live? Yes, most definitely. I'm trying to get my yarn sales high enough to get me out of here. I can feel myself going a little nuts here. Why am I still here? A couple reasons. The biggest one for a while was Sir Goth; he wanted to stay close to his friends and I know what it's like to move away from all the people I know. Then there is the job. Daycare pays well. At least, when there are kids here. School cuts my pay nearly in half and it makes Winter hard. Luckily, it's nearly Summer and the kids will be here more. I'll be setting any "extra" money to the side so I am more prepared to get out of here.

For now, I need to get my chickens into the coop before I get ready to go. My nails are still not completely dry so I'll get the kids to help me. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. 

I looked at my last entry and realized that it was over 5 weeks ago. So, for over 5 weeks I've been feeling under the weather. This past weekend I had a high fever and felt like my bones were filled with ground glass. I even called the daycare parents to ask that they not bring their kids. I can't remember the last time I did that due to illness.

Anyway, the fever finally broke and I'm starting to feel a lot better. Tonight I'm supposed to go to a dance class with K. I'm looking forward to it, but more so I can spend time with him than for the class itself. Still, the last one was pretty cool. I think I'm going to ask that we focus on one or two slow dances and 3 or 4 rhythm dances. We only have 8 classes all together and I can't really afford to pay for more. After all, I have a business to fund.

Speaking of... I used most of my tax refund on getting yarn & equipment. (Then got really sick as the yarn arrived.) Most of the equipment is already here and I'm still waiting for the skein-winder. I could possibly make one myself, but I really don't have the knowledge. Perhaps when I need a second one I'll give it a shot. I'm also trying a different kind of dye and so far I like the results. I'm just not sure I want to raise my yarn prices enough to cover it. Perhaps I'll offer both.

Today it's raining and the temperatures are supposed to drop into the twenties again. Dreamer and I planted some bulbs in pots a week or so ago, so we'll need to bring them into the entry. I will be glad when Spring really gets here. I long for the sun warming my skin.

As Winter begins to settle down for the season, I hope, I am filled with such a mix of emotions.

My grandmother passed away last week. Her nephew called me last night to let me know. I have to laugh: my phone number was on a post-it note on the page after my name in her address book. For the last few years she has walked through the dark land the doctors call "dementia". I am not saying they are wrong, but I believe she simply got tired of living each day without my grandfather. He was her North Star and it hurt her more than anyone will know when he left this life. I will not griecve for her passing. It was her time. I truly believe she is now a part of all the Universe.

Will I get anything? Her nephew assures me that he will try to get a quilt for me. That is all I really want, something that she created with her hands and her heart. I want something she put her energy into.

My son. He has challenged me more in the last few months than any other time in his life. Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to scream for him to get out and never come back. I didn't, of course, but that's how angry and hurt I was by his actions. Are they important in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It is not my place to say. Or to know.

I am excited about my new endeavour of Alina Shea Creations.  Dyeing yarn has really filled an empty spot in the art-loving side of me (oh, wait, that's all of me) and I love the way the colors soak into the creamy-white, twisted strands of possibility. Each skein I dye will become something. Whether it is a pair of socks or a lace shawl. That is why I feel I must really take care while I'm winding the yarn into skeins and presoaking them. And touching them with color. Yes, I really enjoy this.

That's it for now. I'm tired and fighting a dry cough. I'm feeling better than I was this morning and will feel better tomorrow. I look forward to warmer days and am holding the thought of Spring lightly in my heart. 

And so, last night I did something I've not done in a very long time. I cried myself to sleep. The situation wasn't really even that bad, it was just the thought of all the implications and complications that seemed to eat away at my heart.

This house is going to be put up for sale. It's not my house so I have no say in the matter. But this is where I found sanctuary from the world. This is where I started working for myself and dreaming bigger. This is where I got my first chickens. It is where I learned to give up a little control in order to have more peace. It is where I'd planned to have a spectacular party for Sir Goth's graduation and going-away.

And that last thought is what made me cry after the kids went to bed. My son, who is no longer a little boy, has had so many disappointments in his life and I truly wanted that party to be great. I wanted it to be AWESOME.

When I woke this morning, I felt better. I know that one way or another I will be able to get things on track to wherever they need to be. I know that I have choices that I can make that will keep my family comfortable and safe. For now, I just need to sort through those choices and pick the right one for us.

I feel a bit wistful that there are people across this country with their family members visiting and stockings hung up somewhere with brightly colored gifts under the tree. There are teens sitting around with their headphones on and aunts & uncles talking about their children's accomplishments and stumbles. There are couples trying to juggle the family time (his? or hers? this year). And there are parents checking the clock so they can send the little ones to bed before Santa arrives.

And I sit here wanting to cry.

Still, I made the choices that led me to this moment and if I feel lonesome it's my own doing. Even without those choices, my family isn't very big. There aren't dozens of children or lots of aunts & uncles. There aren't lots of couples. There is only me. And my own 2 children. The family I described doesn't belong to me, it belongs to K.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a little. I'm aware that I have it better than some. I'm still working. I am healthy and getting healthier.  My kids are growing up strong and intelligent and full of the wonder of life. And yet... I still want to crawl into a corner somewhere and weep for what I do not have.

Sir Goth has made a very clear and adult choice for himself. Last night he took the ASVAB for the Marines and scored fairly well. Today he's taking the pysical and whatever else they do. Tomorrow he will be back in school. Providing everything continues well, he will leave at some point after graduation.

How do I feel? I think the easier question to answer is "What do I not feel?" and that would be anger and disappointment. I'm very proud that he's taking charge of his life instead of sitting around letting the world pass him by. I'm a bit sad that my little boy is no longer a little boy, but happy about it as well. I'm a bit scared that he's going into the one branch in the military that is the toughest. I'm thrilled that he's getting out of this crappy town. And so many more thoughts rush through my head.

At least that's what I keep saying to myself. I'm determined not to fall into any depression this season. I can feel it back there, trying to drag me down sometimes, but I won't let it get me this year.

I've filled up a couple of my evenings with belly dance class and a knitting circle, but I'm not really happy with the style of the dance and the knitting circle is filled with women 20 years my senior. I've nothing in common with someone who has full-grown grandchildren. Still, I will continue until the end of the year, at least. After the belly dance class, I will be taking violin lessons from RB. He's the one who taught Lady Dreamer and he's pretty straight-forward. I'll decide about the knitting circle later.

I'm still working out and I really do feel great about that. I don't really see that much of a difference in the mirror yet, but I can feel a strength growing under my skin. I know that I will be able to reach my goal and I am looking forward to doing so.

I'm trying to find a replacement for retail therapy, though. Right now there isn't anything I want more than to drive over to the mall and buy something. The worst part is that I do actually have a little money that won't cut into the budget at all. And no one to talk me out of going. Other than myself. And the fact that I'd like to use that money for a deposit on customizing my spinning wheel.

Time for a shower, comfy pjs, knitting and some hot cocoa. Or something a bit stronger than chocolate.

Ok, it's no secret that I don't really have a lot of electronics in my portion of the house (we won't get into Sir Goth's room). I don't really see a need to have a large screen TV since I don't watch it much, although I think it would be cool to watch my favorite movies like that. I don't need the killer stereo set-up since I don't have my own house, 'though, eventually I want speakers in every room, controlled in each room. And, I don't have every gadget and doo-dad that money can buy.

But! I dearly loved my mp3 player. It was not fancy or high-priced. It was not a cool color. It didn't even have a lot of space (2G). But I used it a lot. By "a lot" I don't mean the occasional walk to the library or whatever. I mean all the time - grocery shopping, sitting in the back yard, washing dishes, during the daycare nap time, walking to the library, some mornings at K's, doing yard work, during meditation, during soap-making, during salve-making... Well, you get the idea.

On Samhain I dropped my mp3 player in a bathtub. While it had water in it. My heart stopped, but I was sure it would be alright if I got it completely dried out. So, I opened the case, removed the battery and left it open. No luck. I opened the face section and left it sitting on my warming rock (a rock I have set above a candle, the rock gets warm, but not hot) for a day. Better luck now, it came on and played my music. After doing the happy dance I turned it off and took a shower. When I came back in the room, it was on. Weird, but whatever. I shut it off again and within 30 seconds it came back on. So, I removed the on/off button. No better. Ok, I figured that there was something not quite right in there and opened the back & removed the battery figuring I would put it all back together when I'm going to use it. My first 1-mile walk, it seemed to do just fine. The next one? It shut down every 20-30 seconds, then came back on. I wanted to cry.

A new mp3 player is not in my budget this month. In fact, it wouldn't be in my budget until February. But, in all honesty, this isn't a device I want to live without, so I pulled money from my fiber, laptop and camping envelopes(which didn't have that much in them) and ordered a replacement. It should be arriving some time today and I will be very happy. I'll still be going for my 1-mile walk without it, but at least I can start tomorrow morning with music again.

Well, here goes... I've been exercising and getting myself ready for a run. Not a long one, but it needs to be somewhat fast. I need to run 3 miles in 32 minutes. There is a little more to this training than just the running though. I will be passing the USMC PFT (USMC physical fitness test) for my age and gender. (In case anyone is interested in my successes and set-backs, there is a link on the right.) I will be taking until Summer Solstice to get ready for this and I think that's enough time.

This morning I bought my first pair of running shoes. This worries and exhilarates me. Worries, because I don't have a lot of money to spend so I had to go to Payless and I really hope I'm not going to cause injuries with cheaper shoes. Exhilarates because it's another step in the direction I'm heading. Already there are curves developing that I'd long since given up on. The funny thing is - I'm not doing this to lose weight (though, I know it will come off), I'm doing this to be stronger. I want my next part of my life (however long it may be) to be filled with strength and sensuality. And I want a healthy, strong body to carry me through it.

Why now? This Samhain was the 1 year anniversary of my name change and it struck me very hard that I'd done very little to improve my life (as I'd planned last year). This year I was able to start a fire and take a bath and set some goals. This time, it felt as though I were coming out of a cocoon. I felt invigorated and vibrant. And now it's time for me to live.

The only dark cloud is that I am unable to share it with the one I'd really hoped to have there cheering me on. But that's the way it needs to be right now. As with so many things in my life, I'll be doing this with my own determination and the cheering of a couple friends. And, as odd as that may sound, I am okay with that. I like knowing that I'm doing this on my own. I've always been proudest of my personal accomplishments when I had to deal with the issues. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for S & A from Ravelry to be there cheering me on and helping me stay motivated, but they can't be here when my feet hurt, or I get leg cramps in the night. Only me. As it's been for most of my life and will most likely be going forward.

I re-read that and it may seem that I am bitter or something, but I'm not. I just understand that the only person I can truly rely on, no matter what, is myself. That's just the way life is.

Things have been shifting in my mind a bit lately. For the best. This might sound pretty strange, but I feel as though I'm shedding off a heavy blanket that has been weighing me down and making it hard to see ahead. It's also made me feel little and mean and unable to really appreciate life. I've also felt suspicious of good things in my life. Almost as though I needed to root out why they happened to me. Why did I deserve something that good? I've spent quite a bit of time tearing down all that I've been trying to build. What a waste! And yet, I think, for some reason, I needed to go through that.

I lost something wonderful. Perhaps for the rest of this lifetime. Something I know I deserved and still deserve. But I will keep on going with the goals and challenges I've set in place for myself. Why? Because I deserve to be strong and healthy. And I will accept nothing less from myself.

To the two lovely women cheering me on in this crazy PFT - I love you both and feel so very lucky to have you there, even though you're in different states. I'm really looking forward to the Summer Solstice because I know you will both be there in Spirit.

Last night was my first (this time around) belly dance class. I don't really need the classes since I know many steps already, but it will be very nice to be around others who are older than 17 (maximum age of daily contacts...ugh).

I began my goal training on the first. I was actually impressed with myself with the two-minute crunches. I got up to 38 yesterday but only 4 today. I'm not worried since I know I'll reach my goal.

In the meanwhile, I'm heading to bed. I hope you're all staying warm, dry and healthy.

I was angry a couple hours ago. I wished I could actually hit someone, but I knew it wouldn't really make me feel better.

And now I'm sad again. I will move past this, I know. But going through it now is hurting.

I saw the sad decline,
a rift become a storm.
Stayed so cold last night,
This lonely heart inside me says:

Almost seems to late to turn,
What to do if I'm to learn?
Almost seems to late to turn to you.

~~~

Now the anger's gone. It leaves behind the pain, again.

 Clannad