Seasons
Topic: Life

The days are getting shorter again. It hit me harder this morning when my alarm woke me and it was still very dark instead of slightly dark. This means it's getting closer to the time when I close the windows more often than open them. What kind of winter will we have? This summer has been very hot and humid, so it makes me wonder. As I do each year.

 Things have been pretty interesting around here lately. Between waiting for Anthony's letters and waiting for school to start, I feel like I'm in a perpetual waiting status. The last two days, though, I shook off some of that gloominess and dyed a lot of yarn. I'm just about done with it all and will be ready for the update on Friday. I want to be more organized about it, but not so organized that I feel like there's no room for creativity.

I just realized that I've not driven my car in several days. I hope it starts tomorrow. Only a couple errands to take care of. Soon we'll need to get Brianna's school uniforms. I'm not looking forward to that, but it's one of those things I can't avoid. I disagree with the reasoning they used behind the decision... mainly because they talked about student safety. This isn't Phoenix, where kids are getting beat up because of the color t-shirt they are wearing, or the NFL team. This is Sandusky. What the school officials should have focused on was enforcing the dress code they had in place. Oh well.

I'm heading to bed in just a few minutes. I know it's pretty early, but I have a lot to do tomorrow and I don't want to feel tired before lunch.

I hope you all have peaceful dreams.

A question

Okay, I have an odd question for wherever you are:

What does it smell like when the rain begins, after it’s been raining a few minutes and after the rain has stopped?

You see, when I was in Phoenix, the air changed dramatically right before the rain would start… a wet dusty smell would creep across the land and we knew the rain wouldn’t be far behind. When it had been raining a few minutes we could already breathe deeper with a feeling that the air was being cleansed. And when the rain had passed, the air was sharper and clearer and the smell was of wet dirt and orange blossoms.

Here, it smells like the lake. Some people like this smell and they like the lake, but the lakes I grew up visiting were mountain lakes, fed by cold mountain streams and were cleaner. The smell they had was different than this lake smell. This lake makes me impatient to get away from here. Incense helps as long as the windows are all closed, but when I need to leave the house I’m reminded of where I live and it gets to me sometimes… Perhaps I need to set up a mental shield against it or something.

Time to breathe

Well, the coop has a very hillbilly roof right now. I noticed that the cover had a long section torn off (probably from the last storm) and when I climbed onto the step ladder I noticed several other holes in the cover. Well, I'm in no position to get a new roof for a chicken coop that I will be leaving behind. So... now there is a shower curtain and a dollar-store tarp covering the roof. Yep, that's about as hillbilly as I could get. Still, when the storm came through, the insulation stayed dry.

Once that was finished, I had a tiny headache. I took a quick shower and drank a lot of water. It was still there. Even after coffee. I think I get these headaches when the temperaures and humidity are so high. For some reason my body just doesn't handle it well. Tonight the temperature is significantly lower, even though the humidity is still hig. What that means is that the fans actually cool me off instead of just blowing air onto me. And we are supposed to have better temperatures for a couple days.

I still haven't heard from Anthony, but I'm sure I'll get the address from him soon. I have a letter mostly written and I got an address book for him. I want to print up his friends' addresses onto labels so he can put them into the book himself. I wrote in my address, though. Selfish, perhaps, but I wanted my name at the top of the "M" page. 

I had so much to write about earlier and now I'm just too tired to say much.

Except this! One of the awesome folks on Ravelry has been very supportive of my yarns for a while now. Well, I recently came across her blog (yes, there are links on Rav, but I hardly look at them... horrible, I know). Anyway, she talked about me and my yarns! And my yarn club! It was so exciting to read about myself. And a bit daunting as well. I mean, she said really good things about my yarn and about me. Now I want to strive even more to live up to that. I feel pretty special.

Okay, now I'm done with some giddiness and I really need to get to bed. I hope you are all having a very blessed day.

I'll try to remember for tomorrow:

• Dreamer
• USMC shirts/pillows
• Incense

Cooler temperatures

... and all I want to do is boil water. Well, not exactly, but it's essentially the idea behind dyeing yarn.

I woke easily this morning with only a trace of dreams lingering. The last few nights have been filled with dreams that left me uneasy throughout the day. I can't even remember most of them, only that there were tornadoes in a couple of them. (Tornadoes represent violent energy of one sort or another, often it is emotions against which we feel powerless.) I've not figured them out yet, and I'm very tempted to just release them and not worry about them.

I am even more ready to move than I was before, but I'm still not quite ready financially. The yarn sales are slowly growing (I did get one more club member last month) and I'm very hopeful. I feel that as long as I continue selling top-notch yarns with cool colors, things will keep growing. And I try to tell myself to be patient.

But when I walk outside and feel the negative energy of this town, I feel such an urgent need to flee, it's almost visible. If I were to compare the way this town makes me feel with something in a book, I'd say Minas Morgul. Does that sound a bit extreme? Perhaps. But this place has been dragging me down for several years and now I feel at the end of the rope. I've explained this to some of my friends and they understand. Even though they will miss me when I leave, they are in full support of me going to another place that will bring me more peace. A place I can feel Home. Some of my other friends say they are in support of me, but then say things to sway my choice.I don't think they truly understand how deeply this place hurts me.

Inside my house there are mini altars set up in various rooms. I did this in an attempt to keep the darkness at bay. So far it has been working to keep this place a sanctuary. Whenever I feel my light dim I will refresh the flowers or candles or whatever is needed in that room. And I will continue meditation.

I know I'll get out of here, it's just a matter of being patient and focusing on getting my name out there for great yarns.

Staying focused
Topic: Thoughts
Well, it's no surprise that the last few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. On Sunday I cried the whole time I was washing dishes and Monday was a long, and emotional-stress day as well. Tuesday I was so tired that I barely made it past lunch before I needed a nap.

Today, I was up at 6am and I feel really good. I've been focusing on my yarns and my customers. I've got ideas for screen-printing and I'm ready to go. Lady Dreamer expressed a desire to make pillows with the USMC emblem on them and I ordered the fabric so we could do that. Since I loaned my sewing machine to a friend, I'll have to ask for it back for one day, or I'll let Lady Dreamer sew the pillows over there. I'm sure there are some out there who will think it's corny for us to have USMC pillows in our house, and I doubt the design is perfect, but it will make my daughter feel better and, I believe, it will show our support of Anthony's decision.

The temperature this morning is still very pleasant and I'm hoping I can avoid using the a/c for a couple more hours. I like the quiet of the house when it's not running.

Anyway, I need to get going so I can knit for a while before getting started on the screen-printing.

Wee hours

Today there is a hush over the house. Both kids are still sleeping and I am hesitant to wake them. We were all awake until after 3am. Lady Dreamer came into my room a little after we laid down, with tears in her voice and so much sorrow in her eyes. My heart broke to see her that way and I opened my arms for her. She poured out her fears and regrets and I held her close as the storm washed over her.

There were things I'd not even thoguht of: her first time driving; her first date; her first dance; her first day back at public school. So many events coming up in her life and her big brother will not be there to share them. He will not be there to laugh with her as she stumbles. Or hug her when she triumphs. And she fears his death. She knows the Marine Corp is the toughest. The first out. The last back. She knows that even computer guys go to Afghanistan. She knows that bombs kill everyone. And she's afraid.

And I'm hurting for us all. I need to wake them before long, but I can't stop my own tears long enough to walk out of my room and smile for them.

 

Silver linings?

Anger, sadness, wistfullness and tears. Yes, all those went through me last night. I'm not going into details but last night turned out nothing like I'd hoped. The tears came even after I tried to think of other things. Sometimes life is just not the best.

Silver linings are something I'm trying to find a lot of lately. With each negative thing that happens I try to find some positive. My car broke down yesterday. Silver lining is that it broke down now instead of while i was driving to Cleveland to watch Anthony swear in. Last night the kids didn't really want to do a family night. Silver lining is that I got to finish fixing the sock puppet and listen to music. I haven't getten to spend time with K in more time than I care to think about. Silver lining... um... I'll keep thinking.

Today we will be replacing the starter in my car. The temperatures are going to be in the 90s and we'll be working at the auto parts store. I'm still looking for the silver lining on that one, too.

This morning I put a makeshift window in the back wall of the chicken coop. I really hope it helps keep them from over heating while they are laying eggs. The coop is in direct sunlight for a couple hours each day and, even with the door wide open, it gets very hot in there. I used my circular saw and it isn't a pretty job, but it will suit the purpose for now.

-

I hope everyone is having a great day with your families and that you enjoy the fireworks tonight.

Summer
Topic: Thoughts

So many things are going on right now that it's hard to stay focused on what I need. I know the basics: eat, sleep, drink water. But there are other things I need: meditate, yoga, learn, love.

I miss my kids. I know the act of growing up and inching away from "Mom" is a normal and natural progression of life. I know that they want to spend more time with their friends and that I am only here for the occasional night at home, but I miss them. 

In less than four weeks, Sir Goth will be getting on a plane and heading to another state. This will be the furthest distance we've ever had between us. Sure, he's gone to Columbus for robotics tournaments, and he's gone camping with his friends, and I once went to Mexico and left them with a friend... but this? This is so very different. This time, he is not my little boy. He is an adult, and when he gets out of boot camp, he will be a man. A man I do not yet know. In the midst of my pride for him, my heart breaks.

Dreamer has spent more time at her friend's house than she has here at home. Yes, I could keep her here and tell her that she can't go, but to what end? Here, I am working each day and she would only sit, reading, going online or painting her nails. She may as well enoy her time with her friends.

I am trying to stay focused on the yarns and screen-printing. I'm trying to stay focused on my studies. Some days are a little harder than others.

Focusing
Topic: Life

I cleaned off my desk last night and added a board to the top so I have a bigger surface. It's much better now. I like having enough room to move the keyboard out of the way so I can write in my journals. I also have enough room for my candle, crystals, offering figure and my orchid. And none of them are crowded. I am going to try very hard to keep it that way.

I'm still learning about the chakras and will be staying focused on that aspect of my life. There are some issues with studying before bed, but I'm hoping to get that straightened out soon.

Alina Shea Creations is growing slowly. I'm nowhere near the point of being able to move, but I believe that by offering the best yarns I can find for my customers and supplying what they want (currently lots of Harry Potter colors), I will get there eventually. I'm also going to start offering screen-printed items soon. Today I'm working on the gifts for the club members and once that's done, I'll get started on the shop items.

She Who is Morrigan
Topic: Thoughts

I was called "She Who is Morrigan" in an email recently and I have to say that it really touched something inside me. What a beautiful way to be thought of. I had commisioned an artist for an ink sketch a few days ago and described what I wanted and this is what she called me in the reply. (Here's her Esty shop.) Sometimes, I am filled with good energy. Even when I'm so tired that the thought of skipping dinner and going to bed is so very tempting. Sadly, my sheets are in the dryer and I got rid of the old ones.

I've been listening to Pandora Radio lately and love the huge variety. I don't listen to the local stations since they talk way too much and, even though I search for similar artists to what I already listen to, but I've been getting tired of what I have on my computer. With Pandora I've "met" so many new music artist and groups that I feel like I could delete all my music files and never miss them. I won't of course.

I've been focusing on the chakras lately. Yes, I know the basics already, but now I'm studying them. I'm learning their names and the associations of them. This week I'm beginning again since I'd stopped reading in the evenings. I'll start with the root chakra and slowly move my way upward. I can't help but wonder what changes will occur while I'm studying them and meditating about them. This should be interesting.

I'm also going to make some small Goddess dolls each chakra to correspond with my learnings. Here's one I already made for soothing sleep. She's filled with lavender buds and smells so peaceful. I used the some of the yarn I spun last month for her body as well as the embellishments.

 

Anger & sadness
Topic: Thoughts

I don't read the news very often. Rarely are there articles about positive things going on in this world. Most have to do with people hurting other people, damage being done to the planet and war. Today is no different.

Images of the damage done by crude oil show up everywhere. Globs of tarry substance on beaches, seaweed covered in oil, dead sea turtles and dying birds. The few pictures I did see are now haunting my mind and will for a long time. Not enough is being done to stop this disaster and too much is being done to place the blame. Part of me wonders if this is the event that will get us away from the high use of petroleum products, but I really don't think so.

A young man was shot on the Mexican border. This story saddens me as well as angers me. Many of my acquaintances will not understand this, but I'm angry, not at the Border Patrol, but at the Mexican government and the people crossing into this country. I believe the officer had the right duty to shoot. He was being assaulted by someone who has no right to cross into this country. I would not be brought up on any charges if I shot a person who entered my home illegally.This country is our home. It certainly isn't much right now, but it's still ours. Perhaps I'm a selfish person, but I don't feel we need to open our doors to anyone who wants to come in. 

More death in the Middle East. I don't even want to comment on all the stuff going on over there. My closest friends know how I feel. Everyone else? Form your own opinions.

This stuff makes me think the militia folks have it right.

What the body needs...
Topic: Thoughts

Milk... sometimes it is all I need. Tonight, for dinner, I had a glass of skim milk. That's all I wanted. I didn't want dinner, I didn't want food. Just glass of milk.

Tonight I realized just how disconnected from my body I get sometimes and it made me wonder. I feel more connected tonight and it feels good. I need to listen to it more often.

Sir Goth is drawing away from us, which is normal. And I knew would happen. And I tried to be prepared. But. Some days it hits me a lot harder than others. On those days I want to get in the car and drive away. I want to sink all my money into an RV and drive as far away as I can.

But I am needed by other loved ones. They rely on me. They count on my strength. They miss me when I'm not there. They watch to see how I react to things. And, I can not let them down. Because I need them.

 

I sit here this morning, thinking about the things I'm doing and how they affect me. And how they will affect me. I think about the things I dream about, like the farm life and the animals and living as off-grid as I can. I think about the way my floors will look and the way the walls will look. I think about the way the sun will come through the windows. And I think of time.

In just eight weeks, Sir Goth will be swearing in a second time and he will get on a plane to his new, adult life. I am more proud of him than I can express and, at times, it comes out as tears. I do hope he knows that they are tears of happiness and of pride.

I've put my violin lessons on hold for a little while and will resume them at the end of summer. It makes me sad to do this, but I've gotten to the point of dealing with too many things and I need to cut some of it away. I'm glad the dance lessons are nearly finished as well. What do I need to focus on? My children, my dreams, my customers, my Spirituality, my health, my  relationships.

I'm also focusing my thoughts on moving away from here. I'm certain that the slow, steady increase in sales will give me that opportunity soon and I want to be ready for it. I've thought of various places to go to and I'm looking forward to getting away from here. Will I miss some people? Yes, I certainly will. However, I know that the energy here has been wrong for me for all these years and it's not gotten any better.

Anyway, I get to enjoy some knitting time today and hope you all find beauty and peace in your day.

And time passes...
Topic: Life

So, the days have been slipping by and I am flying along with them.

I've been enjoying myself, dyeing and knitting and dyeing some more.  Sales have been slowly increasing in little bursts and I'm looking forward to the tomorrow that makes it all official. Ravelry has helped with that immensely. I've gotten more sales since advertising on there. The yarn club's first shipment will be going out this month and I'm so excited about that. I've been knitting a small gift to go into the charter members' packages and I really think they are going to like it. And, I've been contacted by a lovely woman about having my yarns in her shop. I'm so tickled about it all.

I planted a couple tomato plants on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to the fresh taste of sun-warm, rain-kissed freshness. I also got a stevia plant and I'm hoping to have better luck this time around. There won't be an actual gardent his year, simply because I don't know what will be happening with the house and with the yarn sales and all that stuff. And because I want to focus on Alina Shea Creations for a while.

I moved the hosting to Dreamhost since they seem better suited for business. I've got help with the installing of ZenCart and should be able to have stuff listing in Etsy as well as on alinashea.com. 

Sir Goth will be leaving on July 19th. I am so thrilled for him as well as sad for me. He has always been a steady point in my life. Now, my place in his life is diminishing. That is how it should be. I want him to stand strong and live his own dreams and ambitions. I also know that I will always be his mother and nothing will ever change that. I also know that when he gets on that plane to Parris Island, the little boy will be put away inside of the man he's to become.

Lady Dreamer and I will be staying busy this summer. We'll be going camping, alone as well as with K & his daughter. We'll go to movies and the library. We'll find lots of ways to stay busy until we are more comfortable with the shift in the house.

For now, I still have the daycare to continue running and I need to get going. I hope you're having a fantastic day.

Wicked, nails & thoughts
Topic: Life

I'm sitting here this afternoon realizing just how much I do with my hands. I painted my nails in preparation for going to see Wicked tomorrow evening and I am waiting for them to dry. In the meantime, I can't knit, wash dishes, herd the chickens into the coop, do laundry, or write in my journal (due to the way I hold the pen). So, I'm carefully typing on here instead.

There are times when I am tempted to get acrylic nails again. They are easy to take care of, the nail polish lasts 2 weeks and they look nice. It would be a large start up cost (supplies aren't cheap) and I'd need to do the fill-ins every couple weeks, which takes away from my knitting time but my nails would always look nice. Then reality steps in. The chemicals are pretty gross and I don't want to expose myself to that on a regular basis. I'm still not as toxin-free as I would like to be, but I'm pretty darn close. Even the nail polish I do use is a water based polish. (A little expensive, but better than the other stuff).

I've got my outfit chosen for tomorrow. Map is printed, tickets are printed, everything is ready. Am I excited? Oh yes. Dreamer is pretty wired up about it too. This will be a first for both of us. I've gone to small plays, but nothing like this one. She's never gone to any plays. We'll be heading out tomorrow afternoon and will get there about an hour early. Fine with me, I'd like to have a decent parking space and I can sit in our seats & knit while we're waiting for the show.

Tonight I'm going to relax over at K's place. I can't even describe the peace I feel there. No close neighbors, no smell of cigarettes or cigars (there's a new tenant to the west of us and they smoke heavily), no sirens, no shouting, no foul language, no gulls. I can look out his windows and see open space. The air isn't contaminated with asphalt & trash.

Do I despise where I live? Yes, most definitely. I'm trying to get my yarn sales high enough to get me out of here. I can feel myself going a little nuts here. Why am I still here? A couple reasons. The biggest one for a while was Sir Goth; he wanted to stay close to his friends and I know what it's like to move away from all the people I know. Then there is the job. Daycare pays well. At least, when there are kids here. School cuts my pay nearly in half and it makes Winter hard. Luckily, it's nearly Summer and the kids will be here more. I'll be setting any "extra" money to the side so I am more prepared to get out of here.

For now, I need to get my chickens into the coop before I get ready to go. My nails are still not completely dry so I'll get the kids to help me. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. 

Update, of sorts
Topic: Life

I looked at my last entry and realized that it was over 5 weeks ago. So, for over 5 weeks I've been feeling under the weather. This past weekend I had a high fever and felt like my bones were filled with ground glass. I even called the daycare parents to ask that they not bring their kids. I can't remember the last time I did that due to illness.

Anyway, the fever finally broke and I'm starting to feel a lot better. Tonight I'm supposed to go to a dance class with K. I'm looking forward to it, but more so I can spend time with him than for the class itself. Still, the last one was pretty cool. I think I'm going to ask that we focus on one or two slow dances and 3 or 4 rhythm dances. We only have 8 classes all together and I can't really afford to pay for more. After all, I have a business to fund.

Speaking of... I used most of my tax refund on getting yarn & equipment. (Then got really sick as the yarn arrived.) Most of the equipment is already here and I'm still waiting for the skein-winder. I could possibly make one myself, but I really don't have the knowledge. Perhaps when I need a second one I'll give it a shot. I'm also trying a different kind of dye and so far I like the results. I'm just not sure I want to raise my yarn prices enough to cover it. Perhaps I'll offer both.

Today it's raining and the temperatures are supposed to drop into the twenties again. Dreamer and I planted some bulbs in pots a week or so ago, so we'll need to bring them into the entry. I will be glad when Spring really gets here. I long for the sun warming my skin.

A gentle passing
Topic: Life

As Winter begins to settle down for the season, I hope, I am filled with such a mix of emotions.

My grandmother passed away last week. Her nephew called me last night to let me know. I have to laugh: my phone number was on a post-it note on the page after my name in her address book. For the last few years she has walked through the dark land the doctors call "dementia". I am not saying they are wrong, but I believe she simply got tired of living each day without my grandfather. He was her North Star and it hurt her more than anyone will know when he left this life. I will not griecve for her passing. It was her time. I truly believe she is now a part of all the Universe.

Will I get anything? Her nephew assures me that he will try to get a quilt for me. That is all I really want, something that she created with her hands and her heart. I want something she put her energy into.

My son. He has challenged me more in the last few months than any other time in his life. Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to scream for him to get out and never come back. I didn't, of course, but that's how angry and hurt I was by his actions. Are they important in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It is not my place to say. Or to know.

I am excited about my new endeavour of Alina Shea Creations.  Dyeing yarn has really filled an empty spot in the art-loving side of me (oh, wait, that's all of me) and I love the way the colors soak into the creamy-white, twisted strands of possibility. Each skein I dye will become something. Whether it is a pair of socks or a lace shawl. That is why I feel I must really take care while I'm winding the yarn into skeins and presoaking them. And touching them with color. Yes, I really enjoy this.

That's it for now. I'm tired and fighting a dry cough. I'm feeling better than I was this morning and will feel better tomorrow. I look forward to warmer days and am holding the thought of Spring lightly in my heart. 

A new day...
Topic: Thoughts

And so, last night I did something I've not done in a very long time. I cried myself to sleep. The situation wasn't really even that bad, it was just the thought of all the implications and complications that seemed to eat away at my heart.

This house is going to be put up for sale. It's not my house so I have no say in the matter. But this is where I found sanctuary from the world. This is where I started working for myself and dreaming bigger. This is where I got my first chickens. It is where I learned to give up a little control in order to have more peace. It is where I'd planned to have a spectacular party for Sir Goth's graduation and going-away.

And that last thought is what made me cry after the kids went to bed. My son, who is no longer a little boy, has had so many disappointments in his life and I truly wanted that party to be great. I wanted it to be AWESOME.

When I woke this morning, I felt better. I know that one way or another I will be able to get things on track to wherever they need to be. I know that I have choices that I can make that will keep my family comfortable and safe. For now, I just need to sort through those choices and pick the right one for us.

Christmas Eve
Topic: Thoughts

I feel a bit wistful that there are people across this country with their family members visiting and stockings hung up somewhere with brightly colored gifts under the tree. There are teens sitting around with their headphones on and aunts & uncles talking about their children's accomplishments and stumbles. There are couples trying to juggle the family time (his? or hers? this year). And there are parents checking the clock so they can send the little ones to bed before Santa arrives.

And I sit here wanting to cry.

Still, I made the choices that led me to this moment and if I feel lonesome it's my own doing. Even without those choices, my family isn't very big. There aren't dozens of children or lots of aunts & uncles. There aren't lots of couples. There is only me. And my own 2 children. The family I described doesn't belong to me, it belongs to K.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a little. I'm aware that I have it better than some. I'm still working. I am healthy and getting healthier.  My kids are growing up strong and intelligent and full of the wonder of life. And yet... I still want to crawl into a corner somewhere and weep for what I do not have.

A young man
Topic: Life

Sir Goth has made a very clear and adult choice for himself. Last night he took the ASVAB for the Marines and scored fairly well. Today he's taking the pysical and whatever else they do. Tomorrow he will be back in school. Providing everything continues well, he will leave at some point after graduation.

How do I feel? I think the easier question to answer is "What do I not feel?" and that would be anger and disappointment. I'm very proud that he's taking charge of his life instead of sitting around letting the world pass him by. I'm a bit sad that my little boy is no longer a little boy, but happy about it as well. I'm a bit scared that he's going into the one branch in the military that is the toughest. I'm thrilled that he's getting out of this crappy town. And so many more thoughts rush through my head.