A few thoughts...

A gentle passing

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:47:46 -0500

As Winter begins to settle down for the season, I hope, I am filled with such a mix of emotions.

My grandmother passed away last week. Her nephew called me last night to let me know. I have to laugh: my phone number was on a post-it note on the page after my name in her address book. For the last few years she has walked through the dark land the doctors call "dementia". I am not saying they are wrong, but I believe she simply got tired of living each day without my grandfather. He was her North Star and it hurt her more than anyone will know when he left this life. I will not griecve for her passing. It was her time. I truly believe she is now a part of all the Universe.

Will I get anything? Her nephew assures me that he will try to get a quilt for me. That is all I really want, something that she created with her hands and her heart. I want something she put her energy into.

My son. He has challenged me more in the last few months than any other time in his life. Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to scream for him to get out and never come back. I didn't, of course, but that's how angry and hurt I was by his actions. Are they important in the grand scheme of things? Perhaps. Perhaps not. It is not my place to say. Or to know.

I am excited about my new endeavour of Alina Shea Creations. Dyeing yarn has really filled an empty spot in the art-loving side of me (oh, wait, that's all of me) and I love the way the colors soak into the creamy-white, twisted strands of possibility. Each skein I dye will become something. Whether it is a pair of socks or a lace shawl. That is why I feel I must really take care while I'm winding the yarn into skeins and presoaking them. And touching them with color. Yes, I really enjoy this.

That's it for now. I'm tired and fighting a dry cough. I'm feeling better than I was this morning and will feel better tomorrow. I look forward to warmer days and am holding the thought of Spring lightly in my heart.

A new day...

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:35:09 -0500

And so, last night I did something I've not done in a very long time. I cried myself to sleep. The situation wasn't really even that bad, it was just the thought of all the implications and complications that seemed to eat away at my heart.

This house is going to be put up for sale. It's not my house so I have no say in the matter. But this is where I found sanctuary from the world. This is where I started working for myself and dreaming bigger. This is where I got my first chickens. It is where I learned to give up a little control in order to have more peace. It is where I'd planned to have a spectacular party for Sir Goth's graduation and going-away.

And that last thought is what made me cry after the kids went to bed. My son, who is no longer a little boy, has had so many disappointments in his life and I truly wanted that party to be great. I wanted it to be AWESOME.

When I woke this morning, I felt better. I know that one way or another I will be able to get things on track to wherever they need to be. I know that I have choices that I can make that will keep my family comfortable and safe. For now, I just need to sort through those choices and pick the right one for us.

Christmas Eve

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:56:19 -0500

I feel a bit wistful that there are people across this country with their family members visiting and stockings hung up somewhere with brightly colored gifts under the tree. There are teens sitting around with their headphones on and aunts & uncles talking about their children's accomplishments and stumbles. There are couples trying to juggle the family time (his? or hers? this year). And there are parents checking the clock so they can send the little ones to bed before Santa arrives.

And I sit here wanting to cry.

Still, I made the choices that led me to this moment and if I feel lonesome it's my own doing. Even without those choices, my family isn't very big. There aren't dozens of children or lots of aunts & uncles. There aren't lots of couples. There is only me. And my own 2 children. The family I described doesn't belong to me, it belongs to K.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes, a little. I'm aware that I have it better than some. I'm still working. I am healthy and getting healthier. My kids are growing up strong and intelligent and full of the wonder of life. And yet... I still want to crawl into a corner somewhere and weep for what I do not have.

A young man

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:38:51 -0500

Sir Goth has made a very clear and adult choice for himself. Last night he took the ASVAB for the Marines and scored fairly well. Today he's taking the pysical and whatever else they do. Tomorrow he will be back in school. Providing everything continues well, he will leave at some point after graduation.

How do I feel? I think the easier question to answer is "What do I not feel?" and that would be anger and disappointment. I'm very proud that he's taking charge of his life instead of sitting around letting the world pass him by. I'm a bit sad that my little boy is no longer a little boy, but happy about it as well. I'm a bit scared that he's going into the one branch in the military that is the toughest. I'm thrilled that he's getting out of this crappy town. And so many more thoughts rush through my head.

I'm staying cheerful.

Tue, 1 Dec 2009 18:13:26 -0500

At least that's what I keep saying to myself. I'm determined not to fall into any depression this season. I can feel it back there, trying to drag me down sometimes, but I won't let it get me this year.

I've filled up a couple of my evenings with belly dance class and a knitting circle, but I'm not really happy with the style of the dance and the knitting circle is filled with women 20 years my senior. I've nothing in common with someone who has full-grown grandchildren. Still, I will continue until the end of the year, at least. After the belly dance class, I will be taking violin lessons from RB. He's the one who taught Lady Dreamer and he's pretty straight-forward. I'll decide about the knitting circle later.

I'm still working out and I really do feel great about that. I don't really see that much of a difference in the mirror yet, but I can feel a strength growing under my skin. I know that I will be able to reach my goal and I am looking forward to doing so.

I'm trying to find a replacement for retail therapy, though. Right now there isn't anything I want more than to drive over to the mall and buy something. The worst part is that I do actually have a little money that won't cut into the budget at all. And no one to talk me out of going. Other than myself. And the fact that I'd like to use that money for a deposit on customizing my spinning wheel.

Time for a shower, comfy pjs, knitting and some hot cocoa. Or something a bit stronger than chocolate.

Technology Junkie?

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:51:39 -0500

Ok, it's no secret that I don't really have a lot of electronics in my portion of the house (we won't get into Sir Goth's room). I don't really see a need to have a large screen TV since I don't watch it much, although I think it would be cool to watch my favorite movies like that. I don't need the killer stereo set-up since I don't have my own house, 'though, eventually I want speakers in every room, controlled in each room. And, I don't have every gadget and doo-dad that money can buy.

But! I dearly loved my mp3 player. It was not fancy or high-priced. It was not a cool color. It didn't even have a lot of space (2G). But I used it a lot. By "a lot" I don't mean the occasional walk to the library or whatever. I mean all the time - grocery shopping, sitting in the back yard, washing dishes, during the daycare nap time, walking to the library, some mornings at K's, doing yard work, during meditation, during soap-making, during salve-making... Well, you get the idea.

On Samhain I dropped my mp3 player in a bathtub. While it had water in it. My heart stopped, but I was sure it would be alright if I got it completely dried out. So, I opened the case, removed the battery and left it open. No luck. I opened the face section and left it sitting on my warming rock (a rock I have set above a candle, the rock gets warm, but not hot) for a day. Better luck now, it came on and played my music. After doing the happy dance I turned it off and took a shower. When I came back in the room, it was on. Weird, but whatever. I shut it off again and within 30 seconds it came back on. So, I removed the on/off button. No better. Ok, I figured that there was something not quite right in there and opened the back & removed the battery figuring I would put it all back together when I'm going to use it. My first 1-mile walk, it seemed to do just fine. The next one? It shut down every 20-30 seconds, then came back on. I wanted to cry.

A new mp3 player is not in my budget this month. In fact, it wouldn't be in my budget until February. But, in all honesty, this isn't a device I want to live without, so I pulled money from my fiber, laptop and camping envelopes(which didn't have that much in them) and ordered a replacement. It should be arriving some time today and I will be very happy. I'll still be going for my 1-mile walk without it, but at least I can start tomorrow morning with music again.

Training

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:34:37 -0500

Well, here goes... I've been exercising and getting myself ready for a run. Not a long one, but it needs to be somewhat fast. I need to run 3 miles in 32 minutes. There is a little more to this training than just the running though. I will be passing the USMC PFT (USMC physical fitness test) for my age and gender. (In case anyone is interested in my successes and set-backs, there is a link on the right.) I will be taking until Summer Solstice to get ready for this and I think that's enough time.

This morning I bought my first pair of running shoes. This worries and exhilarates me. Worries, because I don't have a lot of money to spend so I had to go to Payless and I really hope I'm not going to cause injuries with cheaper shoes. Exhilarates because it's another step in the direction I'm heading. Already there are curves developing that I'd long since given up on. The funny thing is - I'm not doing this to lose weight (though, I know it will come off), I'm doing this to be stronger. I want my next part of my life (however long it may be) to be filled with strength and sensuality. And I want a healthy, strong body to carry me through it.

Why now? This Samhain was the 1 year anniversary of my name change and it struck me very hard that I'd done very little to improve my life (as I'd planned last year). This year I was able to start a fire and take a bath and set some goals. This time, it felt as though I were coming out of a cocoon. I felt invigorated and vibrant. And now it's time for me to live.

The only dark cloud is that I am unable to share it with the one I'd really hoped to have there cheering me on. But that's the way it needs to be right now. As with so many things in my life, I'll be doing this with my own determination and the cheering of a couple friends. And, as odd as that may sound, I am okay with that. I like knowing that I'm doing this on my own. I've always been proudest of my personal accomplishments when I had to deal with the issues. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful for S & A from Ravelry to be there cheering me on and helping me stay motivated, but they can't be here when my feet hurt, or I get leg cramps in the night. Only me. As it's been for most of my life and will most likely be going forward.

I re-read that and it may seem that I am bitter or something, but I'm not. I just understand that the only person I can truly rely on, no matter what, is myself. That's just the way life is.

Growth

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 21:28:11 -0500

Things have been shifting in my mind a bit lately. For the best. This might sound pretty strange, but I feel as though I'm shedding off a heavy blanket that has been weighing me down and making it hard to see ahead. It's also made me feel little and mean and unable to really appreciate life. I've also felt suspicious of good things in my life. Almost as though I needed to root out why they happened to me. Why did I deserve something that good? I've spent quite a bit of time tearing down all that I've been trying to build. What a waste! And yet, I think, for some reason, I needed to go through that.

I lost something wonderful. Perhaps for the rest of this lifetime. Something I know I deserved and still deserve. But I will keep on going with the goals and challenges I've set in place for myself. Why? Because I deserve to be strong and healthy. And I will accept nothing less from myself.

To the two lovely women cheering me on in this crazy PFT - I love you both and feel so very lucky to have you there, even though you're in different states. I'm really looking forward to the Summer Solstice because I know you will both be there in Spirit.

Stuff

Wed, 4 Nov 2009 21:17:06 -0500

Last night was my first (this time around) belly dance class. I don't really need the classes since I know many steps already, but it will be very nice to be around others who are older than 17 (maximum age of daily contacts...ugh).

I began my goal training on the first. I was actually impressed with myself with the two-minute crunches. I got up to 38 yesterday but only 4 today. I'm not worried since I know I'll reach my goal.

In the meanwhile, I'm heading to bed. I hope you're all staying warm, dry and healthy.

I was angry a couple hours ago....

Sun, 1 Nov 2009 18:05:39 -0500

I was angry a couple hours ago. I wished I could actually hit someone, but I knew it wouldn't really make me feel better.

And now I'm sad again. I will move past this, I know. But going through it now is hurting.

I saw the sad decline,
a rift become a storm.
Stayed so cold last night,
This lonely heart inside me says:

Almost seems to late to turn,
What to do if I'm to learn?
Almost seems to late to turn to you.

~~~

Now the anger's gone. It leaves behind the pain, again.

Clannad