A few thoughts...

Time to breathe

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 21:35:54 -0500

Well, the coop has a very hillbilly roof right now. I noticed that the cover had a long section torn off (probably from the last storm) and when I climbed onto the step ladder I noticed several other holes in the cover. Well, I'm in no position to get a new roof for a chicken coop that I will be leaving behind. So... now there is a shower curtain and a dollar-store tarp covering the roof. Yep, that's about as hillbilly as I could get. Still, when the storm came through, the insulation stayed dry.

Once that was finished, I had a tiny headache. I took a quick shower and drank a lot of water. It was still there. Even after coffee. I think I get these headaches when the temperaures and humidity are so high. For some reason my body just doesn't handle it well. Tonight the temperature is significantly lower, even though the humidity is still hig. What that means is that the fans actually cool me off instead of just blowing air onto me. And we are supposed to have better temperatures for a couple days.

I still haven't heard from Anthony, but I'm sure I'll get the address from him soon. I have a letter mostly written and I got an address book for him. I want to print up his friends' addresses onto labels so he can put them into the book himself. I wrote in my address, though. Selfish, perhaps, but I wanted my name at the top of the "M" page.

I had so much to write about earlier and now I'm just too tired to say much.

Except this! One of the awesome folks on Ravelry has been very supportive of my yarns for a while now. Well, I recently came across her blog (yes, there are links on Rav, but I hardly look at them... horrible, I know). Anyway, she talked about me and my yarns! And my yarn club! It was so exciting to read about myself. And a bit daunting as well. I mean, she said really good things about my yarn and about me. Now I want to strive even more to live up to that. I feel pretty special.

Okay, now I'm done with some giddiness and I really need to get to bed. I hope you are all having a very blessed day.

I'll try to remember for tomorrow:

Dreamer
USMC shirts/pillows
Incense

Cooler temperatures

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 08:01:06 -0500

... and all I want to do is boil water. Well, not exactly, but it's essentially the idea behind dyeing yarn.

I woke easily this morning with only a trace of dreams lingering. The last few nights have been filled with dreams that left me uneasy throughout the day. I can't even remember most of them, only that there were tornadoes in a couple of them. (Tornadoes represent violent energy of one sort or another, often it is emotions against which we feel powerless.) I've not figured them out yet, and I'm very tempted to just release them and not worry about them.

I am even more ready to move than I was before, but I'm still not quite ready financially. The yarn sales are slowly growing (I did get one more club member last month) and I'm very hopeful. I feel that as long as I continue selling top-notch yarns with cool colors, things will keep growing. And I try to tell myself to be patient.

But when I walk outside and feel the negative energy of this town, I feel such an urgent need to flee, it's almost visible. If I were to compare the way this town makes me feel with something in a book, I'd say Minas Morgul. Does that sound a bit extreme? Perhaps. But this place has been dragging me down for several years and now I feel at the end of the rope. I've explained this to some of my friends and they understand. Even though they will miss me when I leave, they are in full support of me going to another place that will bring me more peace. A place I can feel Home. Some of my other friends say they are in support of me, but then say things to sway my choice.I don't think they truly understand how deeply this place hurts me.

Inside my house there are mini altars set up in various rooms. I did this in an attempt to keep the darkness at bay. So far it has been working to keep this place a sanctuary. Whenever I feel my light dim I will refresh the flowers or candles or whatever is needed in that room. And I will continue meditation.

I know I'll get out of here, it's just a matter of being patient and focusing on getting my name out there for great yarns.

Staying focused

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 07:09:42 -0500

Well, it's no surprise that the last few weeks have been a roller-coaster of emotions. On Sunday I cried the whole time I was washing dishes and Monday was a long, and emotional-stress day as well. Tuesday I was so tired that I barely made it past lunch before I needed a nap.

Today, I was up at 6am and I feel really good. I've been focusing on my yarns and my customers. I've got ideas for screen-printing and I'm ready to go. Lady Dreamer expressed a desire to make pillows with the USMC emblem on them and I ordered the fabric so we could do that. Since I loaned my sewing machine to a friend, I'll have to ask for it back for one day, or I'll let Lady Dreamer sew the pillows over there. I'm sure there are some out there who will think it's corny for us to have USMC pillows in our house, and I doubt the design is perfect, but it will make my daughter feel better and, I believe, it will show our support of Anthony's decision.

The temperature this morning is still very pleasant and I'm hoping I can avoid using the a/c for a couple more hours. I like the quiet of the house when it's not running.

Anyway, I need to get going so I can knit for a while before getting started on the screen-printing.

Wee hours

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 08:27:09 -0500

Today there is a hush over the house. Both kids are still sleeping and I am hesitant to wake them. We were all awake until after 3am. Lady Dreamer came into my room a little after we laid down, with tears in her voice and so much sorrow in her eyes. My heart broke to see her that way and I opened my arms for her. She poured out her fears and regrets and I held her close as the storm washed over her.

There were things I'd not even thoguht of: her first time driving; her first date; her first dance; her first day back at public school. So many events coming up in her life and her big brother will not be there to share them. He will not be there to laugh with her as she stumbles. Or hug her when she triumphs. And she fears his death. She knows the Marine Corp is the toughest. The first out. The last back. She knows that even computer guys go to Afghanistan. She knows that bombs kill everyone. And she's afraid.

And I'm hurting for us all. I need to wake them before long, but I can't stop my own tears long enough to walk out of my room and smile for them.

Silver linings?

Sun, 4 Jul 2010 11:31:34 -0500

Anger, sadness, wistfullness and tears. Yes, all those went through me last night. I'm not going into details but last night turned out nothing like I'd hoped. The tears came even after I tried to think of other things. Sometimes life is just not the best.

Silver linings are something I'm trying to find a lot of lately. With each negative thing that happens I try to find some positive. My car broke down yesterday. Silver lining is that it broke down now instead of while i was driving to Cleveland to watch Anthony swear in. Last night the kids didn't really want to do a family night. Silver lining is that I got to finish fixing the sock puppet and listen to music. I haven't getten to spend time with K in more time than I care to think about. Silver lining... um... I'll keep thinking.

Today we will be replacing the starter in my car. The temperatures are going to be in the 90s and we'll be working at the auto parts store. I'm still looking for the silver lining on that one, too.

This morning I put a makeshift window in the back wall of the chicken coop. I really hope it helps keep them from over heating while they are laying eggs. The coop is in direct sunlight for a couple hours each day and, even with the door wide open, it gets very hot in there. I used my circular saw and it isn't a pretty job, but it will suit the purpose for now.

I hope everyone is having a great day with your families and that you enjoy the fireworks tonight.

Summer

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 09:41:31 -0500

So many things are going on right now that it's hard to stay focused on what I need. I know the basics: eat, sleep, drink water. But there are other things I need: meditate, yoga, learn, love.

I miss my kids. I know the act of growing up and inching away from "Mom" is a normal and natural progression of life. I know that they want to spend more time with their friends and that I am only here for the occasional night at home, but I miss them.

In less than four weeks, Sir Goth will be getting on a plane and heading to another state. This will be the furthest distance we've ever had between us. Sure, he's gone to Columbus for robotics tournaments, and he's gone camping with his friends, and I once went to Mexico and left them with a friend... but this? This is so very different. This time, he is not my little boy. He is an adult, and when he gets out of boot camp, he will be a man. A man I do not yet know. In the midst of my pride for him, my heart breaks.

Dreamer has spent more time at her friend's house than she has here at home. Yes, I could keep her here and tell her that she can't go, but to what end? Here, I am working each day and she would only sit, reading, going online or painting her nails. She may as well enoy her time with her friends.

I am trying to stay focused on the yarns and screen-printing. I'm trying to stay focused on my studies. Some days are a little harder than others.

Focusing

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 06:44:43 -0500

I cleaned off my desk last night and added a board to the top so I have a bigger surface. It's much better now. I like having enough room to move the keyboard out of the way so I can write in my journals. I also have enough room for my candle, crystals, offering figure and my orchid. And none of them are crowded. I am going to try very hard to keep it that way.

I'm still learning about the chakras and will be staying focused on that aspect of my life. There are some issues with studying before bed, but I'm hoping to get that straightened out soon.

Alina Shea Creations is growing slowly. I'm nowhere near the point of being able to move, but I believe that by offering the best yarns I can find for my customers and supplying what they want (currently lots of Harry Potter colors), I will get there eventually. I'm also going to start offering screen-printed items soon. Today I'm working on the gifts for the club members and once that's done, I'll get started on the shop items.

She Who is Morrigan

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 17:15:56 -0500

I was called "She Who is Morrigan" in an email recently and I have to say that it really touched something inside me. What a beautiful way to be thought of. I had commisioned an artist for an ink sketch a few days ago and described what I wanted and this is what she called me in the reply. (Here's her Esty shop.) Sometimes, I am filled with good energy. Even when I'm so tired that the thought of skipping dinner and going to bed is so very tempting. Sadly, my sheets are in the dryer and I got rid of the old ones.

I've been listening to Pandora Radio lately and love the huge variety. I don't listen to the local stations since they talk way too much and, even though I search for similar artists to what I already listen to, but I've been getting tired of what I have on my computer. With Pandora I've "met" so many new music artist and groups that I feel like I could delete all my music files and never miss them. I won't of course.

I've been focusing on the chakras lately. Yes, I know the basics already, but now I'm studying them. I'm learning their names and the associations of them. This week I'm beginning again since I'd stopped reading in the evenings. I'll start with the root chakra and slowly move my way upward. I can't help but wonder what changes will occur while I'm studying them and meditating about them. This should be interesting.

I'm also going to make some small Goddess dolls each chakra to correspond with my learnings. Here's one I already made for soothing sleep. She's filled with lavender buds and smells so peaceful. I used the some of the yarn I spun last month for her body as well as the embellishments.

Anger & sadness

Wed, 9 Jun 2010 12:31:27 -0500

I don't read the news very often. Rarely are there articles about positive things going on in this world. Most have to do with people hurting other people, damage being done to the planet and war. Today is no different.

Images of the damage done by crude oil show up everywhere. Globs of tarry substance on beaches, seaweed covered in oil, dead sea turtles and dying birds. The few pictures I did see are now haunting my mind and will for a long time. Not enough is being done to stop this disaster and too much is being done to place the blame. Part of me wonders if this is the event that will get us away from the high use of petroleum products, but I really don't think so.

A young man was shot on the Mexican border. This story saddens me as well as angers me. Many of my acquaintances will not understand this, but I'm angry, not at the Border Patrol, but at the Mexican government and the people crossing into this country. I believe the officer had the ~~right~~ duty to shoot. He was being assaulted by someone who has no right to cross into this country. I would not be brought up on any charges if I shot a person who entered my home illegally.This country is our home. It certainly isn't much right now, but it's still ours. Perhaps I'm a selfish person, but I don't feel we need to open our doors to anyone who wants to come in.

More death in the Middle East. I don't even want to comment on all the stuff going on over there. My closest friends know how I feel. Everyone else? Form your own opinions.

This stuff makes me think the militia folks have it right.

What the body needs...

Tue, 8 Jun 2010 17:50:32 -0500

Milk... sometimes it is all I need. Tonight, for dinner, I had a glass of skim milk. That's all I wanted. I didn't want dinner, I didn't want food. Just glass of milk.

Tonight I realized just how disconnected from my body I get sometimes and it made me wonder. I feel more connected tonight and it feels good. I need to listen to it more often.

Sir Goth is drawing away from us, which is normal. And I knew would happen. And I tried to be prepared. But. Some days it hits me a lot harder than others. On those days I want to get in the car and drive away. I want to sink all my money into an RV and drive as far away as I can.

But I am needed by other loved ones. They rely on me. They count on my strength. They miss me when I'm not there. They watch to see how I react to things. And, I can not let them down. Because I need them.