I caught myself waiting yesterday. Waiting with such a deep longing that I nearly cried. Strange, this feeling. What was I waiting for? Snow. I was waiting to marvel at the heavy, feathery snowflakes to cover the Earth with a blanket of sparkling, serene beauty. I was waiting for that hush that falls when the snow is covering everything with something pure and clean.

Late Autumn has been the hardest season for me to get through for several years. This is the time of year I can see the Earth as my own life. Stark, weary, tired and covered with the tattered, decaying remnants of Summer's life and vibrance. Filled with the death that comes every cycle. Filled with the emptiness that seems endless. It is reality laid bare for the whole world to see the failings and sorrows of Earth/Me.

Ah, but when the snow comes! Hiding all the bleakness and the ghosts of "no more". Softening the harsh landscape into gentle hills and valleys. Sharp edges are smoothed. Harsh realities are diffused. The light changes. The air changes. The very essense of the season changes. It is more natural to hibernate and to rest. It is time to look within and search for the glowing spark that will become a warming flame when Spring returns. It is time to sleep. To dream. To heal.

Has my life really been that bad lately? Bad enough for me to need that repite? No, my life is fairly steady. There have been some stumbles and I've nearly fallen, but I am still standing. I am still going strong. I think it is merely because I feel so much. The horror of a man being trampled by shoppers. The sorrow of people dying while they worship. The pain of children as their parents leave them in another state. The tears of those who don't know why their babies are dying because of the formula. The fear of a family as the jobs become more scarce and the savings dwindle. The anguish of a child when a loved one will not wake up. These are the things I need a rest from. These are the ones my heart cries out to and I know there is nothing I can do for them but pray. I can only light another candle and hope they find comfort or peace or a job or whatever they need most.

The last few days have been filled with dark clouds, dreary rain and, for some people I know, devastating news. This news doesn't affect me directly, but when I first heard it, my heart cried out in anguish for the one it affected most. I focused and cleared my head, prayed and sent her a hug. I will never know if it really helped, but I believe she was touched by all the prayers sent to her through the Universe.

~~~

Our Solstice will be a much smaller affair than the past few years. Partly due to finances, but also due to the fact that as my children get older, their gifts are not so simple. Where I used to see a little boy who would rejoice when he would get a handful of Hot Wheels cars and a few hero figures, I now face a young man with tastes that lean toward the electronics. Where I once had a little girl who would be thrilled to get a new princess dress or a Barbie, I now see a girl on the cusp of womanhood who's tastes are now into the collector dolls and more "grown-up" items. I think they understand that the gifts are becoming fewer in number while increasing in maturity.

Of course, I still hear stories of their friends (mostly Sir Goth's) who will be getting new laptops this year or some other ridiculously extravagant gift. But, I don't really care as much as I used to. Sir Goth bought his own laptop and Lady Dreamer saves up for her fairy figures. They understand that things will not be handed to them when they want it. They know that it takes time to save for things so you will not place yourself in debt. I know that is so much more important than whatever their friends are getting.

I hope everyone out there will stop to think for a few minutes what this season is really all about. It's no secret that I am not a Christian however, I can't help but wonder what Jesus Christ would say to the people who trampled and killed a man at Wal-Mart. Just how would the Son feel to know that people have taken the celebration of his birth and turned it into such a nightmare?

This is only one more reason that I wonder if I am in the wrong country. Or, perhaps the wrong century.

I am saddened and very much ashamed of my "fellow countrymen".

There are days I feel there is nothing real in this world. Nothing physical. Moments where I can truly believe the only reality is what we see in our minds. It is this reality that sometimes frightens me. What I see in my own mind is nothing I want to share with anyone. Nothing I would really wish upon the world.

And yet...

Lady Dreamer sees a reality that is bright and shining and full of promise. Can her reality be a possibility stronger than my own? That is what I hope for.

Okay, for many of my friends, it's no secret that I've been pretty strapped for cash lately. Still, it's my own issue and I'm dealing with it the best I can. If I am the one who made the poor decision to get a car that cost me almost as much as my housing, then I am the one who should have to deal with it. I'm the one who has to pay for it. If I still haven't set aside a large savings amount to "fall back on" then it is my own problem that I don't have that now, when things get tight. Who's going to bail me out? Who's going to come in and hand me a wad of money so I can "get things taken care of"?

That's right. No one. I put myself in this situation and I'd be foolish to believe that anyone would take money from other people just to give it to me.

But, isn't that what the car companies are asking for? Aren't they the ones responsible for their own short-comings? Why should the government use the taxes taken from people who work to "save" the auto industry. Is it my fault the US auto makers don't meet the standards of foreign auto companies? Is it my fault the US auto makers don't build their cars better? Is it yours? Why are our taxes going to help someone who did this to themselves?

Would you hand an alcoholic a bottle of gin? Would you give a kid more money when all they do is spend it on candy and soda? Would you loan your friend money when you know they are only going to spend it on a pack of cigarettes while they are complaining that the gas is about to be shut off?

I sure as hell wouldn't. And why should any other American?

Once again I was awake at 3 in the morning. Once again it was due to the loudness of a drunken party upstairs. No big deal, I'll alert J and hope that he deals with it. If not, then I will allow the police to deal with it. I have more important things to focus on than the utter lack of common decency that group of people display on a regular basis.

~~~

I finished most of the customization of my Blythe doll. Yesterday I matte-sanded her face, removed her make-up, re-painted her lips, painted her eye chips and added new hair. I did cheat a bit with the hair: I sewed a wig onto her scalp. After trying the re-rooting and still not have it look the way I wanted it to, I decided the wig would work. She looks great. I will need to give her a new name now, since she really doesn't look like a "Niniane" anymore.

Lady Dreamer is still waiting for the new wig for her doll and now that she has seen how mine looks, she'd like me to sand her doll's face, too. Not a problem since it didn't really take me that long.

We've used the cherry pit bags for a little while now and I am pretty sure I'll be adding them to my shop. I haven't tried heating them up in an oven yet, but I'll give it a shot. I know there are people who don't have a microwave (I'm thinking about becoming one of them) and I'd like to include them in the sales.

I'll be going to Innovations on Monday for the touch-ups on my right tattoo. Mike will also help me draw up the next tattoo I'll be getting. I've decided what I want, just not where I want it. That will come with time.

Come to think of it, Monday will be pretty busy -

• I need to pick up my papers at the courthouse
• Go to the Social Security office for a new card (for both of us)
• Get my driver license & Lady Dreamer's id changed
• Go to the bank to get that changed & order my new checks
• Go to the auditor's office to have my next paycheck correct
• Fax the information to Children's Hunger Alliance
• Contact CSEA to have that all changed
• Contact everyone who sends me a bill
• And probably a few more places I haven't thought about yet.

Whew! I guess it's good I won't have any kids that day... Well, I'm not supposed to, we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, I have a shawl to finish. Hope y'all are having a great day! 

I finally was able to get a canning set. I'm a bit bummed that it got here after the canning season is pretty much over. I'm sure I could use what I find at the grocery store, but I doubt highly it will taste as good. I may try it anyway with some of the tomatoes or something, but I'll have to finish reading the canning guides and see what options I have.

I really tried not to care about the elections. I really tried not to get involved with the issues. But it didn't work. I voted a couple weeks ago and then worried that I made the wrong choice, then worried that my choice wouldn't win. I'm glad the elections are over. Now we can try to move forward with the rest of this stuff. I do wonder how my personal life will be affected now. Will I lose my right to carry a gun? Will our country get attacked by larger countries just waiting for a sign of weakness? Or will my business really take off and half my money be taken away in the form of "redistribution" to give to people who already get more of the taxes than they deserve?

I'm going to focus on Solstice. There are several gifts I'd like to give the kids that will require a bit of money and I want to make sure they get them. How I will do that with the tiny checks I've been getting, I have no idea, but I'm going to try anyway.

Our weather has turned a bit. Most of this week we are going to be in the upper 60s. I'm pretty happy about it since I can leave the windows open and know the laundry will finish drying before the end of the day. This actually feels like early summer weather (for this place).

Today I found a great chair at the local Goodwill. Normally I don't look at the furniture there since I know how hard it is to get stuff really clean there. I also know they have to disinfect it using chemicals that could cause all kinds of damage to your body and to the environment. But this chair is a low-seated solid piece of furniture. I saw it as I came out of the dressing room and started looking it over. I even turned it upside down to check the springs (and got a couple dirty looks from the employees). Finally, I sat in it to see if I could fit into it. No, I'm not that big, but I do like to sit cross-legged and it's hard to come by chairs that will allow you to do that comfortably. This one was perfect. There was room between my knees and the sides, the back is low enough to keep me from leaning all the way back yet high enough to support my lower back, the cushion are firm without being rock-like and the best part - it was cheap. Now I have a piece of furniture in my living room.

I found out that I need to give my orange tree a "winter" for it to fruit. Duh, I thought to myself. So now it is in the entry. Even though we've been having warm temperatures this week, the entry it better for a fake winter. It has dropped to the lower 50's in there when outside it in the upper 30s. Hopefully that will help this tree do what it's supposed to do.

I've also been reading about year-round growing. I think it's fascinating that people in the same climate I'm in can grow their ow veggies all year. Even though I don't have all the equipment they do, I know I'd be able to implement it.

I've also been researching some of the online MT schools. It seems the course I would benefit most from is online and I could be done within a year. It would give me a job that I can definately take with me, regardless of where I live.

~~~

Anyway, I've got lots of stuff to finish up.

I could have sworn it was supposed to be autumn right now. Today's high is only going to be in the 40s and tomorrow it will only be 39! Argh!

Anyway, I starteed on Lady Dreamer's Blythe re-rooting and realized the hair we got was way too thick. Even after I'd ironed it, the stuff would not lay down smoothly. So, now we wait until payday to order the doll stuff.

I've been feeling a bit odd lately. Very much that I want to be by myself. Luckily, we had a weekend so I didn't need to deal with work or the kids' schoolwork. For the most part I stayed in my room and drank tea, knitted and listened to music. I was able to finish one project and get another one mostly finished. Now I just wish all the thoughts in my head would settle a little bit.

The house smelled like cherry pie last night and again this morning. Why? Because I made 2 cherry pit bags last night, popped them into the microwave and put them into Lady Dreamer's and my bed. Oh! the toastiness of putting our cold toes onto the warm bags. It was almost heavenly. The bag in my bed stayed warm for quite some time. I put it into the bed before I took my shower, tucked Lady Dreamer in for the night, told the boys to keep the noise level down, checked doors, lights and other "nightly routine" stuff, and then got into bed. I read for nearly an hour and the bag was still very warm. I'll have to actually test it a bit to see how long these will send out heat before I put them on the Etsy shop. I also plan to make a couple for friends as gifts.

Another good thing that happened yesterday was that I was able to get some salve over to Midnight Moon and Innovations. Now, Midnight Moon sells by commision and Innovations just pays my up front, so it was nice to know that I had a little cash in hand and some more that will be there later. Hmm... perhaps I should make a couple cherry pit bags with Pagan designs on them for Midnight Moon.

I'll be starting a re-root job on Lady Dreamer's Blythe doll later today or tomorrow morning. I need to finish up some sewing today (costumes, moonpads, my wool coat, Blythe clothing and a couple other items) before I get anything like that started. I'd also like to get a hank of yarn completed to put up on the shop as well, but that might have to wait a little bit longer.

All in all, it's been a good weekend so far.

I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they become parents. This morning I came across this story. This is not even an American news site, but one in another country. How shameful Americans should feel over this. These are our children! Our future. And yet, the lawmakers have now given people permission to dump off their kids with no legal repercussions. Americans should hang their heads in sorrow over what this nation is becoming. Shame on this mother! Shame on the society that allows her, and others, to abandon the responsibility they chose to take on.

Yes, it is a choice to carry a child to full term and to raise that child until they are able to take care of themselves. Once that choice is made, you enter a covenant with that child to do your best. There isn't a time when your child will turn to you and say, "Yes, throw me away. Leave me here, alone, wondering why you bore me if you are just going to toss me aside."

I'm sure there are people out there thinking that, perhaps, the child may have been difficult to handle or, perhaps, the mother just couldn't handle it all anymore. Bullshit! If your child is getting to be too much for you, examine deep within yourself and try to figure out why! If you feel you can't handle life anymore, look to your church, friends, family... ANYONE who will try to help you get past that dark time in your life. But, do not forsake your child to strangers after you have chosen to raise them yourself. Do not drive 12 hours with this child sitting in the vehicle with you and treat the child as you would treat a pair of shoes that just don't fit anymore, or a sweater that rubs you the wrong way. This woman couldn't have been afraid of her son - they were in the same car for 12 hours. They had to make stops for gas and to relieve themselves. Had he been threatening her, she wouldn't have been able to get him in the car in the first place.

I am, by no stretch of the imagination, a perfect parent. I've made mistakes, I've zigged when I should have zagged. I've said, "yes" when I should have said "no" and the reverse. I've gotten into situations where I had to live with someone I couldn't trust just so my kids had a roof over their heads. I've not been able to feed my children healthy foods when they needed it. I even considered an abortion while I was pregnant with my daughter simply because of how she was conceived. But I never, after making the decision to continue the pregnancy and choosing not to give them up for adoption, never did I consider getting rid of them.

What must these children be thinking? I believe these children have it even worse than the babies who are left in a dumpster or on a doorstep. Those babies knew nothing else. They didn't know about birthday parties and grandparents. They didn't have friends that played with them on the playground. They didn't already trust their parents to do what was right.

Shame on you, America, for letting this happen.

I can only hope these children will grow past this travesty and learn that the whole world isn't like this. I can hope they will learn to be good parents, and will learn that loving their own children is the right thing to do. Or, perhaps they will learn not to have children at all, knowing they wouldn't be able to love them and continue the responsibility they have taken on.

~~~

I think of the children I know, the ones I see while I'm out and the ones wondering if they are going to make it through another night to see the sun rising. I include them in my prayers through the day. And I pray, too, for the ones who do not have all that they need to get through the darkness.

Well, the kids and I went camping on Sunday. I think this is the last time Sir Goth will be going with us. He has expressed his distaste for the "boredom" and quiet of camping and by next year he will be nearly 18. This makes me sad, but in a good way. My son is growing up and isn't the little boy he used to be.

During the first night raccoons visited our campsite and enjoyed my peach cobbler and a cup of coffee. Sophisticated little creatures. The next morning we all laughed at the antics of the chipmunks running races through the grass. We also heard an owl as the night fell across the valley we were in. Oh, how magickal that sounded! There were ravens (not to be confused with crows), blue jays and cardinals. We even saw an eagle in flight. The squirrels are smaller than the ones in town, but so shrewd looking when you walk past them.

While we were there, Lady Dreamer and I took a walk on the Hemlock Gorge trail. There are so many magickal things to see when you are open to seeing them. For example, there was a long branch overhanging the bank and dipping down into the water. It appeared to have someone swinging on it since it kept going up and down randomly. Of course, we couldn't see anyone there, and scientifically it could be explained that the current of the water was making the branch move, but we knew it was a "someone". (Mock me if you will, I care not.) We also saw areas that I'm sure hid homes of little folk. Or maybe big folk, who knows. The trees had been touched with a breath of color and here & there we could see a lone tree ablaze with Autumn passion.

I'd planned to stay 3 days, but Sir Goth ended up with a fever so we came home early. Yuck.

Since getting home, I've focused on my knitting and relaxing. There are several ideas I need to mull over a bit and ponder upon and if I don't remind myself that laundry can wait a few more minutes, I will lose the time I need to think about all of this. Most of these thoughts are pretty close to being resolved and decided on, but there are still a few details to work out... Another thought was given the other night. One that I am pushing aside for now since there is nothing I can do about it. When it is time to think about it, I will. Until then, I will hold the people in my heart and pray for them.

I went to Midnight Moon yesterday. I've not been there in a while and it seems D is nearly out of my salve. I'll bring her more next week. I'm pretty happy that it is selling and used the money to get myself a new pendant. Currently it is hanging in my bedroom window to absorb some energy from the Sun and Moon. I will begin wearing it on the Full Moon.

If I am still in this house next year (which I most likely will be) I will be expanding the garden area. I plan to use a technique called Biodynamic Intensive Gardening. Using this method, I will be able to grow enough food for the kids and I to set aside for the winter. Even wheat & potatoes! I was surprised at the amounts a person can grow in such a small area (100 square feet/person). I doubt J will get upset about it since I've been a fairly good tenant so far, plus when I'm ready to move, I'll just till the area and he can decide to leave it as a selling point, or sow grass seed. I do want to get a truckload of dirt, though. My thought is to raise the gardens just a bit and that requires a little more dirt than I have in the yard. Looking over the seeds I have now and even some foods I can get seeds from, I think we'll have a pretty good crop.

My vacation ends on Monday morning so I still have a few more days to get things settled in my mind. I know it will be challenging to make it through the winter with the current income, but I think it will be alright. Part of me doesn't really want any more children in here, even though the money is so tight. I would rather make my money selling salve or fiber or something like that. (Yes, I'm considering Angora rabbits, but that requires a bit more of a set-up than I have right now.) And, as selfish as this sounds, I want more time for my kids and myself. I'm still trying to get my Jeep paid down, and am planning to use most of my tax refund as a payment. My goal is to have it paid off by December 2009. After that, I can set aside that same amount for the downpayment on some land.

Anyway, I have a pair of socks that need to be finished and a few other items that need some attention. I hope you are all having a great day!

There are times you can know something, but once the experience actually happens, you know it. This happened with me and a new pair of socks. I found some wool socks at Wmart the other day and decided to buy some for the kids and one pair for myself. Yes, I am knitting socks for all of us, but I'm nowhere near done as I would like. Well, these socks are 85% wool and the rest is nylon. Typically this is the combination when they make something washable. No shrinking. Yesterday I wore the socks all day and didn't notice how cold the floor, or even the house, was until I took them off. Today I was wearing a pair of socks I've had for a while - cotton, extra-thick bottoms. My feet have been cold all day. I think it's time for me to knit faster.

I'd love to write more about many things going on, but I really just want to sit somewhere with a hot cup of tea and relax before I go to bed. I hope you are all enjoying this cooling weather we are having.

Being sick is yucky. Yesterday I treated the kids to Wendy's for lunch and I was sick within a couple hours. Yep, I vomitted in public. I have to say that it was definately not the highlight of my day. I figured it was simply because I ate too much, too fast or soemthing like that. But then Sir Goth woke me around 1:30am to let me know that he was sick as well. Luckily, he made it to the bathroom and didn't make a mess of it. I'm feeling a bit better today, even though I took a 2 hour nap before noon. Now I just hope everything is back to "normal" by tomorrow.

On to better things...

I've discovered the world of Blythe dolls. What? Dolls? Yep, I've bought myself a doll. Sounds silly, huh? Oh well. The one I got for myslef is called "Mod Molly" and I bought it from a Ravelry member. I'm pretty tickled about the whole thing. I will be changing her hair color soon. Currently it is a very vivid red and I'll be adding some dark brown to make it more auburn. I've not decided if I'll be curling it, but there is plenty of time. Lady Dreamer will also be getting a Blythe doll known as "Roaring Red". That one I won a bid on ebay. I was pretty tickled about it and she should be arriving some time next week. I still have a lot to learn about changing eye chips and all that stuff. I was a bit surprised to see how many knitting, sewing and crochet patterns are out there. I'll be trying to figure out a few of my own as soon as I get the sizes figured out. For now I will just improvise the ones available.

Tomorrow we are supposed to go with K to his sister's new cabin. They are having a bit of a party and we're supposed to bring a covered dish. I'll be making Yummy Yams. Lady Dreamer complained a bit by asking me, "Why do you guys like Yummy Yams?" My reply was, "Why don't you like them?" Ah well, I'm sure there will be plenty of food there for her to enjoy.

I'm looking forward to our vacation. I don't know how the weather will treat us, but I really want to go camping. Even though today it's hard to be enthusiastic about much of anything, I know I need to get out of town for a while.

Well, I'm going to get into my pjs and relax a bit more. I've been drinking lemon-ginger tea most of the day and would like to get something a little more solid in me before going to bed.

Every day is a birthday, for every day we are born anew. ~ Ellen Browning Scripps

My birthday weekend wasn't what I planned, but it was lovely none-the-less. I'd planned on camping. It rained the whole time (I consider myself very lucky since the worst we got was high winds and rain. Many people have been without power up here and the people in Texas have been hit very hard.) The kids and I stayed in town and just chilled out. Friday night, K took me out to dinner and Saturday the kids made a big pan of brownies (I don't really care for cake) and I got my presents. Lady Dreamer painted a t-shirt for me (I'll get some pictures on here soon), Sir Goth got me a crystal with a wolf etched into it and K got me a denim jacket. (Oh, the ideas that sprang into my mind about how to decorate it!) The kids and I also went out shooting. I think they will both do very well. There were only 3 shots that missed the target completely, but other than that, most of the shots were well within the 9" circle.

My dad also sent some money and I've decided to get yarn with it. There is some alpaca yarn that would be perfect for a sweater I want to make for myself and it's a little pricey (the whole sweater would cost about $65... and that's through Knit Picks... I don't even want to know what it would cost somewhere else) so I would have to save up a while. Instead I will get the yarn and start my sweater. I looked at KP's site and found the yarn in pink on sale. Pink? Ugh. But... it can be dyed.

I've gotten some larger containers for the Tat-Stick. These hold enough for a large tattoo (.75oz). So many people seem to be getting the bigger pieces lately so I figured this would be the way to go. I've not decided on the price yet, but it will be reasonable. It also gives me more label room. :)

I've decided that this Winter we will be keeping the house much cooler. I already have finished 2pairs of wool socks and have another on the needles. I've also gotten the kids to start knitting a couple items to speed things along. We also tried an idea for a passive solar heater with a little success. There are some things I will be re-designing to add stability and ease of use, but it works. We set it in the window yesterday morning and the temperature of the air rising from the top was 20° warmer than the room. That was with a hazy sky, so I'm sure that on the sunny days it will be even better.

I replaced the license plates on my Jeep yesterday. I don't need the personalized fee attached to them each year. I still just don't understand why there is an extra charge every year. The plates are already made, there is no extra work involved - I pay, I get a new sticker. Still, that's the way it works up here (everywhere for all I know) so I will clean up my special plates and put them away. Maybe I'll hang them in a garage someday.

Anyway, it's time to get the kids up. I hope you are all having a great day!

This morning I long for a different view. Every so often I wish to look outside and see sagebrush, juniper and wide open skies. Is it simply because of all the desert camping we did when I was a kid? Or is there something inside me that just needs the western openness? Perhaps both.

It's no secret I don't like living in the city. I used to think Phoenix was so crowded, but after living in Sandusky, I know that I prefer Phoenix. Were there more people? Yep. But the houses weren't so close together. By Sandusky standards my yard is very big and the house is in good condition. But... the houses block the sun from each other and the wind has to squeeze its way in between.

Perhaps this feeling is simply because Winter is coming and I'm not quite ready for it. I don't really feel that I even had a summer. Soon the leaves will be falling from the trees and the branches will cut the sky in sharp, jagged lines and the softness will be gone for another season.

I just came across this blog and thought it would be a good link. I've not read any of the comments left and am choosing not to do so. While I am still unsure of how I feel about Palin herself, I agree with the statements in this blog.

*Hear, hear! - It is an abbreviation for "hear, all ye good people, hear what this brilliant and eloquent speaker has to say!"